Peeing in the Shower

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor and I know virtually nothing about cleanliness. I have a fork sitting on my desk from two days ago that I'm too lazy to wash or bring to the sink.

Let's start this one out with a simple statement: Humans are disgusting. That being said, there are certain degrees to our disgustingness. And I have a feeling that different circumstances call for different amounts of cleanliness. And also, people have different opinions about what is "clean" and what is "dirty." Additionally, I don't really know where this paragraph is headed, so let's start again.

Humans are gross. Regardless of how many times you shower today, dude, you're probably mostly just moving various germs and dirt particles around to different areas of your body with your sketchy loofah that your roommate probably secretly uses sometimes because he's too cheap to buy his own. (Note: If my roommate is reading this, I DO NOT use your loofah. Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't want to rub your skin particles all over me if I can avoid it.)

You can wash your hands as many times as you like but there's no escaping germs. Think about this: How often do you rub your hands on your pants? If you're cursed with extremely sweaty hands like I am, you probably do it all the time. And how many germy surfaces do you touch before you rub your hands on your pants? If you're like me and you love touching germy surfaces, then the number is probably pretty high. So, think about how many germs your pants have accumulated. I only bring this up because when people tell you to open doors with your sleeves and to not touch homeless people, they totally overlook the fact that your pants are probably just as disgusting, if not more disgusting, than both of those things.

I really hope that last paragraph benefitted your life in some way. It's just an epiphany I had and I thought I should share it. But please, don't take it as a go-ahead from me for you to go pantless in public.

The fact is, most people don't even know how to properly wash their hands. I'll admit that I probably do a terrible job of it, even though I've watched countless scenes of Grey's Anatomy where the characters have super intense conversations about life while "scrubbing" their hands before surgery.

"But the title of this post is peeing in the shower and you have not addressed shower urination at all, Alene!" Hold your horses, loves, I'm getting there. I'm about to make a somewhat taboo statement.

Of all the dirty things in this world that humans do, I feel as if peeing in the shower is the least gross. Let me rephrase this: I actually think it's cleaner than most things humans do. Hear me out.

Pee is sterile. Also, you pee in the shower, you wash your hair, the shampoo runs down your body and into the drain and everything is all soaped up and "clean" again.

I think we would all be shocked and disgusted if we could somehow find out how often we come in contact with pee during our lives. Those pants you bought at Value Village? Some drunk chick peed herself on the street in those. Lying in that field with the love of your life, looking at the stars? A badger chose that place to relieve itself yesterday. And guess what? You did not die because of this pee. (Again, I am not a medical professional and if it is possible that death can occur from laying in badger pee, please correct me.)

But the fact is, pee is not a big deal. There are plenty of far worse things to worry about. And besides, some people even like it. (Whoa, we won't go there today. Hopefully we'll never have to go there ever. I'm not that pro-pee, thank you.)

And who was it who decided that humans HAVE to pee in the toilet? The toilet is literally one of the most ridiculous human inventions ever. "Oh, let's take our fresh water, sh*t in it, and then flush it away." But dogs have to go to the bathroom outside because they're not important and we don't mind looking at their poop so much. Why is human excrement so much scarier to see than other animal's? So many poop-related questions. I think those are for another day, though.

Now please, I did not say that I personally pee in the shower, I just said that I don't have a problem with it. And also, sometimes you just really have to go. I hope I don't lose any friends because of this. There are plenty of way dirtier things to worry about, like the guy who just picked his nose, then examined all the apples at Metro or the weird waiter who licks all the cutlery before putting it on the table. With that in mind, have a nice night, and order only finger foods at the pub later.