Peeing in the Shower

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor and I know virtually nothing about cleanliness. I have a fork sitting on my desk from two days ago that I'm too lazy to wash or bring to the sink.

Let's start this one out with a simple statement: Humans are disgusting. That being said, there are certain degrees to our disgustingness. And I have a feeling that different circumstances call for different amounts of cleanliness. And also, people have different opinions about what is "clean" and what is "dirty." Additionally, I don't really know where this paragraph is headed, so let's start again.

Humans are gross. Regardless of how many times you shower today, dude, you're probably mostly just moving various germs and dirt particles around to different areas of your body with your sketchy loofah that your roommate probably secretly uses sometimes because he's too cheap to buy his own. (Note: If my roommate is reading this, I DO NOT use your loofah. Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't want to rub your skin particles all over me if I can avoid it.)

You can wash your hands as many times as you like but there's no escaping germs. Think about this: How often do you rub your hands on your pants? If you're cursed with extremely sweaty hands like I am, you probably do it all the time. And how many germy surfaces do you touch before you rub your hands on your pants? If you're like me and you love touching germy surfaces, then the number is probably pretty high. So, think about how many germs your pants have accumulated. I only bring this up because when people tell you to open doors with your sleeves and to not touch homeless people, they totally overlook the fact that your pants are probably just as disgusting, if not more disgusting, than both of those things.

I really hope that last paragraph benefitted your life in some way. It's just an epiphany I had and I thought I should share it. But please, don't take it as a go-ahead from me for you to go pantless in public.

The fact is, most people don't even know how to properly wash their hands. I'll admit that I probably do a terrible job of it, even though I've watched countless scenes of Grey's Anatomy where the characters have super intense conversations about life while "scrubbing" their hands before surgery.

"But the title of this post is peeing in the shower and you have not addressed shower urination at all, Alene!" Hold your horses, loves, I'm getting there. I'm about to make a somewhat taboo statement.

Of all the dirty things in this world that humans do, I feel as if peeing in the shower is the least gross. Let me rephrase this: I actually think it's cleaner than most things humans do. Hear me out.

Pee is sterile. Also, you pee in the shower, you wash your hair, the shampoo runs down your body and into the drain and everything is all soaped up and "clean" again.

I think we would all be shocked and disgusted if we could somehow find out how often we come in contact with pee during our lives. Those pants you bought at Value Village? Some drunk chick peed herself on the street in those. Lying in that field with the love of your life, looking at the stars? A badger chose that place to relieve itself yesterday. And guess what? You did not die because of this pee. (Again, I am not a medical professional and if it is possible that death can occur from laying in badger pee, please correct me.)

But the fact is, pee is not a big deal. There are plenty of far worse things to worry about. And besides, some people even like it. (Whoa, we won't go there today. Hopefully we'll never have to go there ever. I'm not that pro-pee, thank you.)

And who was it who decided that humans HAVE to pee in the toilet? The toilet is literally one of the most ridiculous human inventions ever. "Oh, let's take our fresh water, sh*t in it, and then flush it away." But dogs have to go to the bathroom outside because they're not important and we don't mind looking at their poop so much. Why is human excrement so much scarier to see than other animal's? So many poop-related questions. I think those are for another day, though.

Now please, I did not say that I personally pee in the shower, I just said that I don't have a problem with it. And also, sometimes you just really have to go. I hope I don't lose any friends because of this. There are plenty of way dirtier things to worry about, like the guy who just picked his nose, then examined all the apples at Metro or the weird waiter who licks all the cutlery before putting it on the table. With that in mind, have a nice night, and order only finger foods at the pub later.

Love in the Modern Day

 I am a self-proclaimed cynic, if I am nothing else. And one of my most favourite things to be cynical about is love. Specifically romantic love. Love shared by family and friends, that stuff is beautiful. But romantic love? That's painful and temporary and really hasn't done me a lot of good personally. Mind you, there's still plenty of time for someone to come along and change my mind about this, but I have my doubts. Plus, I kind of just want to grow up and be Emily Dickinson.


(I did, at one point, want to grow up to be Liz Lemon but then she went and got married (to a human, not a meatball sub) and ruined that fantasy.)

There is actually only one couple in my group of acquaintances right now that I actively hope will stay together forever. Everyone else, I really couldn't care less. Perhaps this makes me a terrible person/friend. More than likely it just means that I'm lonely and hate other people's happiness. (I've never claimed to be a thoroughly good person.) My sincerest apologies if I hurt anyone's feelings by saying this, but it really shouldn't come as a surprise. The biggest surprise should be that there are actually two people that make me happy when I see them together. This disturbs me greatly.

With that confession out of the way, I'm going to make a sweeping declaration: The Internet has murdered love. Curb stomped it right to the point of cliched oblivion.

Not saying love can't happen. I've seen it before. Hell, I've felt it before (I think. Mostly my regret and frustration has blinded my memory of most of the good feelings. I think I might be a bit bitter.) but the only place that got me was weeks of hysterics and trying to guess that good-for-nothing bastard's Facebook password so I could sabotage him. (I was 16, leave me alone. Did I mention the bitterness?)

So what has the Internet done to love? It's given people this strange notion that they need to broadcast their love to everyone. It's like people need to prove that their love is the best love. Which all blows up in their face when their relationship status goes from "in a relationship" to "single."

The fact is, and I cannot stress this enough, NO ONE cares. Okay, maybe there are a few genuinely good people out there who want other people to be happy. But very few. You see, anyone who is in a relationship and happy will laugh at your "best relationship ever" status because clearly they have the best relationship ever so you're completely deluded, obviously. And anyone who is in a relationship and unhappy will envy you your apparent happiness but proceed to write about how great their relationship is because no one wants to admit their love is failing. And of course, single people hate on anyone in a relationship, regardless of how many "I love being single" captions they put on their selfies.

With that out of the way, I've made a list. (Yay! Lists!) This is a list of the most annoying things people in "love" do on the internet, in no particular order:

• Kissing Photo Shoots. Ugh. UGH. There are very few people in the world that look good while kissing. And it just makes me laugh when you think of like, whoever holding up a phone and being like, "Okay, time to kiss. Oh, just a sec, I'm holding my phone at a weird angle. Ahh, this thing is designed so awkwardly for taking pics with one hand. Okay, are you ready? Wait, fix your hair, you have an alfalfa. Okay, looks good. Ready? *click* Ahh, damn, I missed most of your face. Let's try again." Like, maybe a candid shot at a wedding is acceptable, but taking the pic yourself? Stop it.
• Facebook status: "Doing blah blah blah with the boy." The boy? Which boy? Does he have a name? This seems degrading to me. Do guys write, "the girl?" No, because that sounds like they don't respect her or some feminist nonsense. Don't assume that I know you're talking about your boyfriend. Use names to identify who you're talking about, because that's what names are for. But the worst part I think is the "the." It's like saying, "the dog," or, "the sandwich," or, "the lady at the counter who doesn't know how to order a latte." It just sounds rude and impersonal and a bunch of other stuff. I dunno.
• Random month anniversary announcements. Okay, so these are the monthiversaries that I deem worthy of celebrating: 6, 12, 18, 24, 36, 48, 60, continue at intervals of 12 months. See what I'm saying? You can publicly celebrate half years for the first two years but after that, please, puh-lease, keep it to yourself. Because we (we being the single people) don't want to be reminded at monthly intervals that someone as annoying as you has a significant other while we're stuck crying all over our cats and Fritos.
• Declaration (sweeping, at that) that you have the best boyfriend/girlfriend ever! You most likely do not. In fact, everyone is laughing at you because everyone except you knows that your boyfriend is being very suggestive towards other females and therefore is most likely not the best ever. Or something like that.
• Writing a status about going to the gym or something and ending it with "Love you so much Jimbo, you're my soulmate. You make me want to roll my windows down and cruise. <3" The f*** does that have to do with you going to the gym? And 14 other people just quoted that song in the last 25 minutes. Be original.

I recently had an experience where I liked a person. It was disgusting really. Couldn't concentrate on writing. Had a huge lapse in blogging/tweeting which resulted in who knows how many lost Twitter followers. I did not love this person. Not even close. I maybe could have though, eventually, and that's where the disappointment lies. I've since been cured of that nonsense, as you can tell by the almost daily blog posts that I've been pumping out. Cured maybe isn't the right description. It was more like a slap in the face by reality, telling me that love sucks and it's usually not going to work out. But I think I knew that already. 

The thing is, love is the best until it's not. You think everything is great and you'll be together forever and have little babies and then it just doesn't happen. And that's soul-crushing. 

This is basically a crude representation of what I dream about every night.

Really though, is having a guy beg for my affection, shower me with tasty, cheese-covered food gifts, and never talk to another girl again for as long as he lives too much to ask from a mate, seriously? It's like no one wants to work for love anymore. They just want it to be presented to them on a platter, all drizzled in chocolate and ready to cuddle and watch The Breakfast Club with you. (I'm included in this group of lazy lovers, although I'd prefer cheese sauce over chocolate.)

But as I said before, I am a cynic. And more than likely a few of you are reading this and think I'm a jealous idiot. Which is partially true, I won't deny it. But the people who think I'm an idiot are probably also the people who take kissing pics and think that they're going to be with their significant other forever even though they've only known them for five minutes.

Have a nice Post-Valentine's Day Day (notice that I waited to post my love-bashing until AFTER the celebration of love, so as not to be rude. Lol, just kidding, I tweeted a lot of love hating.) and laugh at the following Aziz Ansari quote that I stole from Pinterest. He knows what's up. (He's also ruining the sanctity of my blog with his not bleeped out f-bombs. I'm sorry.)

I Heart Words (Can My Prof Tell I'm Not Paying Attention?)

So I'm in my Children's Literature class right now. Yes, right this second. (Sorry, mom.) Children's Lit, doesn't that sound fun? It would be more fun if we were reading Dr. Seuss instead of Anne of Green Gables but I guess I shouldn't complain. (I complain anyway. I hate Anne of Green Gables.)

The class in this room before us is like chemistry or calculus or something that has numbers and symbols in it and the previous prof likes to leave it all up on the board, as if to say, "Haha, you English students have no idea what this means." Which is absolutely true. But anyways, then my prof erases the garbage on the board and starts putting up notes about Cinderella (which is actually a terrifying story about chopping off your own feet to make someone love you.) which is something I find humorous for some reason.

Today we're actually talking about a lovely book called Harris and Me by Gary Paulson, which I thoroughly enjoyed despite the fact that it's for kids. I do suggest that you read it someday or get your kids to read it. (Just get your kids to read anything. It scares me when I think about the number of people I know who never read.)

I love when profs swear. Mine just said, "You'll never find that the subtext in an adventure story is 'life's a bitch and then you die.'" Then we all had a laugh.

I recently decided to take the 50 Book Pledge. I'm really behind mostly because of school, and I'm becoming convinced that I may not make it to 50, but this is fun, and I'm almost positive that they don't send anyone to pop your eyes out with a spoon if you don't complete all 50 so I think I'll stick with it.

If you've been keeping up with my previous posts, you may know that I've been going through some lack of inspiration. But as I was searching for books to add to my "to-be-read bookshelf" for the Pledge, and I read excerpts and quotes, I found exactly what I needed. I found great writing and I knew that I wanted to make great writing too. Granted, I wouldn't exactly call any of my blog posts "great" or like the next A Man Without A Country or anything. However, I also found a spark of inspiration to start writing a story that's been hanging out in the back of my brain for a while. I couldn't sleep last night because I was so excited about it! Damn sleep. I hate it sometimes. I awoke this morning and the excitement was gone. (It was replaced with anger because I think everyone in the entire building I live in decided that this morning would be a fun time to slam a lot of doors.)

Since we're talking about being annoyed, I'm also annoyed because some chick decided to take my usual seat in class and I had to sit towards the back of the room. I'm pretty sure I'm going blind so my prof is extremely blurry and for all I know is an impostor. Also, my foot is asleep.

Where am I going with all of this? This is a question that maybe I ask too often. What I'm talking about is the power of books. The power of literature. The power of words in general. I love words. One of my favourite word-users, Stephen King, once said, "Words create sentences; sentences create paragraphs; sometimes paragraphs quicken and begin to breathe." 

They're so much fun! There aren't a lot of things that I can name that are as versatile as words. Think about life without them. You would have just spent 20 minutes trying to use symbolism (symbolism other than letters/sounds organized in such a way that other people understand what you're communicating, that is) to order a sandwich. And what would our thoughts be like? They would just be pictures. That's lame. 

And what would comedy be? It would be all farcical. Or "fartsicle" which is a reference to the most recent episode of Parks and Recreation but is extremely appropriate at this moment. Comedy would be all fart jokes and slipping on banana peels. And as much as I enjoy watching the roadrunner outsmart Wile E. Coyote off of cliffs, I wouldn't want to rely on that for constant comedic entertainment.

Some of the most beautiful things in the world come from instances where the most perfect words are put together in the most perfect way.

Am I getting too sentimental about words? I don't think so. I think people overlook how strong and exciting words can be. They make you laugh, they make you cry, smile, think. With the exception of maybe the ocean or the grand canyon or a snow-capped mountain range or the opening scene of Up, I don't think there are things existing on Earth that are as powerful.

I mentioned Dr. Seuss. What a guy! Making up his own words. And why not? I make up words all the time. (You should see all the red underlines happening during most of my posts.) And Shakespeare practically invented half the words we use today. The possibilities with letters and words and sentences and paragraphs are endless! This is one of my favourite examples of playing with words:

r-p-o-p-e-s-s-a-g-r by e.e. cummings

I think that's a perfect place to stop. Because this might be the perfect poem. I don't know, though. Have a nice day.

Yes, I Pay For My Music. I Also Pay For Chapstick, What's It To You? This Title Is Too Long.

Do not buy this album.
Go get a Cold Cut Combo instead.

The dumbest thing I've ever done in my entire life was buy Evan Taubenfeld's album. It's terrible. Quite possibly the worst album I've ever heard. "But, Alene, why did you buy this album? And who the h-e-double mozzarella sticks is Evan Taubenfeld?" I will tell you, dear readers.

Evan Taubenfeld is (was?) the guitarist for a little lady named Avril Lavigne. You may or may not have heard of her. When I was a youngster Avril was basically my favourite person ever. It was partially because we're basically from the same town, but also because her first album was completely legit, unlike the less-legit junk she spews out these days. (I'm sorry, but this is how I feel.) So, I knew everything about Avril's band and when I saw somewhat recently (last year? The year before?) that Evan had released an album, I thought, "Yeah, I'll support him. It can't be that bad. Here's my ten bucks." Like I said, dumbest thing I've ever done in my life. And one time I drank a cappuccino and an Amp energy drink within 15 minutes of each other and threw up for three days because of it.

The point of all this is that my main reason for purchasing this unfortunate album was to support the artist. Yes, I sacrificed the dollarly equivalent of a footlong sub to help this dude make more horrid music. In retrospect, I would really have preferred the sub. But this is how I look at it: This dude thought his tunes were good, and his mama is probably pretty proud of him. I say, "probably" because it's possible that this guy made an album that not even a mother could love. But clearly someone thought it was good enough to put on iTunes. (I'm sorry, this is a joke because I'm pretty sure there are albums on iTunes that are just the sounds of people pouring cold water onto a hot frying pan and painting their cats. If you want to know what a cat being painted sounds like, listen to any Downlink song.)

So, conclusions and some confessions of hypocrisy:

I pay for most of my music. The only real exception is like Taylor Swift and the Biebs, because they don't need financial help making music anymore. But when it comes to the less popular bands that I like to listen to, I always purchase on iTunes. Unless they're giving it away for free themselves, on purpose. Then I take full advantage.

This being said, I may or may not have on occasion MAYBE (this is NOT a confession of guilt. I refuse to say anything else without a lawyer present.) watched a film or two online without paying. But why is this any different? Without going into details because I don't want to reveal how little I know about the film industry, the short answer is, I feel like actors have it easier than musicians. Yeah, they starve themselves to fit roles and spend days covered in fake blood and dirt to make fun movies that we love to watch. But musicians tour all over the place and sleep in vans and starve themselves so they can afford to make one more single AND they're covered in dirt and blood because their moms never taught them how to do laundry before they went on tour. Maybe I'm wrong though (haha, that never happens) and actors are actually worse off. Also worthy of noting, if I had to give up either watching films or listening to music, I think I would pick films. (Because I REALLY only like going to the movies for the popcorn.)

Basically, don't be an a-hole. If you want your favourite artists to keep making music, you'll have to cough up some credit. (Because who buys real CDs with real money these days?)

I Don't Skate

So, I don't know if you noticed or not, but I'm scared of a lot of things. I spend more time worrying about what could happen if I do something than I actually spend doing things. I'm pretty sure I've been this way forever, and it can get really frustrating when my brain says everything is going to be fine but then some little crazy person who also lives in my head reminds me of the 4050 reasons that it might not be fine.

Yeah, I'm terrified of dying in a car accident or falling and breaking my leg getting off the bus. But so is everyone else. The weirdest thing about me is that it's not necessarily the death or the broken bones which terrify me (okay, that's super scary stuff, but just bear with me). The worst part about all of that is that then people would see me, notice me, have to help me, etc. and for some reason that's the scariest thing in the world to me. I just want to go about my business, blending in to the crowd and looking like a perfectly normal human. I don't want to make a scene. I don't want to be different.

Normal. That's the important thing. This is why when people ask me this one particular, no-big-deal-for-most-Canadians question, I have a tiny panic attack. "Want to go skating?"

No, I don't want to go skating. Why? Because I can't. Except I never tell people I "can't" skate. I say, "I don't skate," as if it's something comparable to "I don't drink" or "I don't hunt humans for sport." When someone says they "don't" do something, it implies that they're making a choice not to do it, but they could do it if they wanted to. But it you put me on a pair of skates, I would end up on my butt in a matter of seconds. Because it's not that I don't skate. It's that I can't.*

I always say it's because I'm afraid of falling and damaging my coccyx or smashing my head or getting my throat slit by someone else who goes skating by, which is partially true. You should see me walk across icy sidewalks. I'm sure it's hilarious and it definitely takes me an unreasonable amount of time to get places. So, yes, part of it is fear of falling and looking like an idiot.

But in reality, I'm mostly scared of failing. And people seeing me fail. It's the same reason it took me a long time to learn how to tie my shoes. The same reason most of my basketball playing career was spent terrified of handling the ball. If I don't try, then I can't fail. And at this point, learning to skate would be a whole lot of me falling and looking dumb and people seeing me do it (because there's no way I'm going out on the ice with blades strapped to my shoes by myself).

Of course, if you don't try you won't succeed at anything either. But I'd rather be a non-succeeder than a failure. Go about my life in mediocrity and stuff like that. (I'm just kidding. No one wants that.)

And I know that everyone went through this. Everyone was four years old and falling down and looking dumb. But clearly even as a young child I was insecure enough to be aware that I didn't want people to look at me and see me falling down. Because what if I was terrible at it? What if I never got good? I'm guessing it was just easier for little Alene to give up, because that way she was only "bad" at it because she hadn't really tried.

One time my class went on a field trip to go skating and I stayed behind. When my classmates returned, we all had to write a journal entry about our day on the ice. Oh, wait, except for me. I wrote about my day spent sitting in the library probably reading Berenstain Bear books and hoping that people didn't notice that I had stayed behind. And then of course we had to read them out loud. The worst part of the day though, came when one of my classmates came up and told me that she was discussing with our teacher and they're both pretty sure that I didn't go because I don't know how to skate. I don't know if she said it in a mocking way or if she was trying to be sympathetic, but I do remember being unbelievably angry and upset. I denied not being able to and was probably kind of mean to her about it. But that moment has always stuck with me.

You wouldn't think something as unimportant as this would cause someone so much stress. But it did. And it still does now. You're probably thinking, "Just go and learn to skate and stop whining." It's not that easy. Plus, really, I've gone this long in my life without it, I think I'll live. And, seriously, I'm a bit higher off the ground now than I was when I was four. Do you really think I'm going to enjoy falling at this point?

This shouldn't be a big deal because I'm sure the majority of the world can't skate since the majority of the world's population doesn't have access to ice or even shoes for that matter so why would they own skates? I'm definitely not the minority when it comes to the entire planet, but I am the minority when it comes to Canada, and since I don't hang out in Africa a lot, I think it's kind of a bigger deal.

It has only been extremely recently that I've been able to admit this to anyone. I dated someone for three years and never told him. I just made up excuse after excuse as to why I couldn't go. I honestly don't know why it's such a big deal. To my friends, I tried to act like I could but I just didn't want to. I don't know that my pathetic attempts really fooled anyone, but I do know that most of them don't ask me to go skating anymore.

So, I guess what this is is just me getting this off my chest. And hopefully it will feel good, because at this point, I'm panicking a bit about it.

Wait, I forgot to tell you the part that makes the entire thing 10000x worse for me. The reasons I never took up skating are the exact same reasons that you'll never see me riding a bike anywhere. I feel like it would be easier if it were one or the other, but it's both.

I guess I'm hoping that I'll get some feedback and people will tell me A. That I'm not alone. Which I know I'm not, it's just good to see real live people who are in the same boat and B. That I'm not crazy and these are rational feelings. Which I know they are because I read about it in a textbook. But again, it's nice when real live people share your problems, isn't it?

*Please don't tell me to "never say never" or some nonsense. I'm aware that I'm physically capable if I just set my mind to it and did it. Please just enjoy that paragraph because it was kind of funny and move on.

My Favourite F-Bomb Dropping Tunes

Sometimes nothing turns that frown upside down like a good f-bomb dropping in a good song. Here are the songs that contain my personal favourite lyrical f-bombs:

10. Mama - My Chemical Romance - I just really like when Gerard Way wails f-words.

9. The Stand - Mother Mother - Oh, what a pleasant surprise, the song is not bleeped out, you guys are just the greatest of tricksters.

8. Fuck You I'm Drunk - Flogging Molly (APPARENTLY there is some argument over who actually sings this song, but I'm sticking with Molly on this.) - The title says it all, man.

7. You Oughta Know - Alanis Morrisette - It's around the time that the Big F is released that we know sh*t just got crazy real and we should all be terrified of this tiny lady. Actually, it might be more realistic to say we're all terrified of her from the moment that she opens her mouth in this song.

6. Minority - Green Day - I've been enjoying this particular tune since I was about 10 so I couldn't keep it off the list, could I?

5. Kill Me - The Pretty Reckless - There's just something about hearing Cindy Lou Who say "motherfucking" that makes me really happy and stuff.

4. The Art of Losing - American Hi-Fi - I don't even have anything to say about this one, just go listen to it and feel empowered and junk.

3. What Are You Looking At - The Johnstones - "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you stupid fucking sh*t." Nuf said.

2. @!#?@! - Motion City Soundtrack - This song just kind of makes me want to go on a rampage and pump my fist while I watch other people flip cars. But more importantly, it's the most fun I've ever had singing, "fuck."

1. Break Stuff - Limp Bizkit - If there's one thing Fred Durst got right, it's the way he says "f**k." I don't care what anyone says.


There are obviously a billion more, and apparently I like to stick to the same genre when it comes to f-bombs. These are just my go-tos. Share your favourites below! And have a nice day.