Thursday 27 September 2012

Pet Peeve Of The Week: You Look Sad

"Why So Sad?"

This statement drives me absolutely crazy. When I'm at work or shopping or whatever, I'm not walking around with a huge obnoxious smile on my face. But that doesn't mean that I'm "sad." No, it means that I'm not bursting with excitement or happiness. I'm just content. I'm normal. And I don't need people (it's usually strangers, right?) to point out that I look sad.

People say that I look "sad" or "unimpressed" a lot of the time. But the fact is, I'm not. This is just my face. See?

Honestly, that is just the way my face looks when I'm not smiling. I am not sad. In fact, I'm happy because I really love this scarf. If I walked around smiling all day people would think I was crazy. And my eyes get super squinty when I smile so I don't always like to smile in pictures.

But here's my real issue. What if I am sad? What if I am having a horrible day? Thank you for pointing it out. I know that no one really wants to hear reasons that I'm sad, so I'm clearly going to say, "Nope, not sad" even though my heart feels like it's being stabbed with an icicle (or something, I dunno) and I can barely hold back tears.

What if I just said, "Yeah, actually..." and burst into a story about all my life problems?

I'm a pretty private person. I don't like to tell people when I'm sad, or even when I'm happy, for that matter. I don't even like informing people that I'm a private person. This is maybe why I try to put the least amount of emotion on my face as possible most of the time.

You'll notice that right after you tell me I look "sad," that I don't want to talk to you anymore, and now, even though maybe it's not being shown on my face, I am mad.

This may not seem like a super reasonable pet peeve. People are trying to be sympathetic, blah blah blah. But the fact is, I get this all the time and it does get irritating. Its kind of upsetting in itself that so many people think that I'm a grumpy or unimpressed or sad person just because they think that I look "sad."



By the way, look for my Pet Peeve of the Week from now on! I have a lot of them! I'll try to post every Thursday, but I will make no promises.


Monday 24 September 2012

My 8 Favourite Television Characters Of 2012

I recently developed an obsession with watching television comedies. And I mean like, watching them nonstop, all the time, entire seasons at a time. I was really behind on my tv shows okay? So, here they are: My favourite TV characters of 2012 (From comedies. And not all the new comedies they're starting this TV season. They all look terrible.)

8. Schmidt (New Girl)





"Damn it! I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere!" 
Well dressed, always classy. Schmidt is the ladies man of the apartment, kind of. But he's very particular about everything he wears. Please see "The Douchebag Jar." But when it comes down to it, Schmidt is charming and sweet, and he says all the most ridiculous things, so I love him.


7. Kenneth Parcell (30 Rock)




I grew up on a pig farm, sir, where all the animals - even the birds that cleaned our teeth - were workers, not pets. I never even had a dog, ‘cause as my mom would say: “You can’t eat love.” And as my mom’s friend Ron would say: “The donkey died. You’re the donkey now, Kenneth.
Everyone at 30 Rock loves Kenneth. He will do anything for NBC and the people who work there. This country boy came to the big city because he loves television, and it's obvious. Kenneth sees the world in a completely different way (The World Through Kenneth's Eyes Clip) and it seems like a much happier place. Kenneth's stories of his childhood really make him one of the best characters. Plus he's adorable, so how could you dislike him?


6. Gloria Pritchett (Modern Family)




"I'm nice and I put on the sugar jacket."
Everyone thinks of Gloria as the hot gold digger, but if you pay attention to what she says, she's one of the funniest characters on Modern Family. And her accent makes everything sound just a little bit (okay, a lot) sillier. English, clearly, is her second language, so she makes mistakes from time to time. And here is where the greatest laughter potential lies.

5. Dalia Royce (Suburgatory)




"Hoe just died. Sucks."
Dalia tells it like it is. And behind all of the designer clothing and expensive make-up and sugar free Red Bull (WITH a straw) she can actually be sweet and thoughtful. But as if she's going to admit that, byotch. Dalia is Tessa's (that's the main character, if you're not familiar with the show) guide to life in the suburbs, and she exemplifies every suburban cliche there is. Which, of course, is funny.



4. Abed Nadir (Community)




"I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films, but you're more like Michael Douglas in any of his films."
Abed is amazing. Not only does he break the fourth wall of television, but he has an imagination rivalled by no one and I love it. He thinks his life is a TV show (I don't have to tell you why this is funny, I hope.) Also his social awkwardness and robotic voice make for hilarious scenes. Abed single handedly adds that something-something to Community that sets it apart from the other shows on NBC. Just look at his Claymation Christmas Special or the Dreamatorium. There's just no one quite like Abed.


3. April Ludgate (Parks and Recreation)




“No, I didn't win. But, at least I didn't make any new friendships.” 
Deadpan comedy continues to be one of my favourite forms, although I really don't know why. Regardless of the reason, April is totally deadpan and I think it's great. But there's more to April than her emotionless, monotone outer coating. April cares a lot about the rest of the employees in the parks department, and there are a surprising number of "awww, that's sweet" moments involving April that make your heart all warm and fuzzy and stuff. Plus, I associate greatly with April's dislike of people and things. So this is why I love her.


2. Dr. Sheldon Cooper (The Big Bang Theory)




"That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad."
I know everyone loves Sheldon. How can you not? He's annoying at times but he's also adorable. Some might say, "Oh, why not Leonard?" No. I hate Leonard. Don't even go there. Sheldon's naivety to social norms and his classic pranks make him, in my opinion, the most interesting character on the show. And everyone loves learning a new word when they're watching TV right? Okay, maybe that's mostly just me. Bazinga!

1. Liz Lemon (30 Rock)




"I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich."
Liz Lemon is all I ever hope to be and more. It took me an unbelievable amount of time to pick a favourite quote, because so many things Liz says are things that I myself often think about and strongly believe (see sandwich quote above.) From Night Cheese to shotgunning an entire pizza, Lemon is my kind of girl. She's crazy, she's hardworking and she is a complete dud in the relationship department. What more could you possibly want in a lead character on any show, am I right?





Honorable Mentions: Leslie Knope (Parks and Recreation), Lily Aldrin (How I Met Your Mother), Chris Traeger (Parks and Recreation), Luke Dunphy (Modern Family), Annie Edison (Community).



Friday 21 September 2012

Dumb Band Names

Some bands have killer names. Some bands maybe should have thought twice:


Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. This is stupid. We get it, you flipped through the dictionary and randomly chose these words. (Or did you? I'm a little skeptical and feel as if there could have been some cheating going on. A "red jumpsuit apparatus" sounds like it could be an actual thing.) Seriously though, people can't even spell apparatus.

Panic! at the Disco. Thank you for adding unnecessary punctuation to a world that can't handle the punctuation it already has.

Foo Fighters. Regardless of what the meaning of "foo fighter" is (Google it) the word itself sounds ridiculous, and so I deem this band name dumb.

Hot Chelle Rae. That doesn't even flow, dudes. And when I first saw it I really, seriously thought that this had to be a girl singing.

Cobra Starship. Two things that really don't seem to go together. There's a lot of imagery here. I'm seeing snake aliens. And now your band name has interested me more than your music does.

Fountains of Wayne. Who is Wayne? Why is he in fountains? What are you guys talking about? On that note, where did you guys go? Nevermind, that's for another post.

311. What? Should I say "three hundred and eleven" or "three eleven" or "three one one?" I don't want to have to read instructions on how to say a band's name.

twenty | one | pilots. In the words of Liz Lemon, "Nope, hipster nonsense. I'm out."

Hoobastank. What's that even mean? I don't even want to know. I feel like it might be something dirty.

Limp Bizkit. Let's look beyond the Urban Dictionary definition of "limp bizkit" (DON'T type "Limp Bizkit" into Urban Dictionary. DON'T type "Limp Bizkit" into Urban Dictionary. DON'T type "Limp Bizkit" into Urban Dictionary.) I don't even have to explain why this is a stupid name. Changing a couple letters to make a lame word like "biscuit" in an attempt to look cool (the coolness level is still questionable) does not mean your band name will be awesome, clearly.

Billy Talent. Old people think this is one dude. But it's not one dude. It's terribly misleading, and so, dumb.

Monday 17 September 2012

Super Study Tips

It's back to school, and we all know what that means. Studying! And a lot of it. So, I've put together a list of study tips that I hope will make your studying experience more comfortable and worthwhile.


  • Have an abundance of your favourite snacks nearby. Hunger can only distract you.
  • The coffee you have at home isn't good enough, so you should probably take a trip (or several) to the coffee shop down the road.
  • Use the reflection of your laptop to compare how you look with your glasses on and with them off. Do this multiple times for maximum cuteness results.
  • Your desk is super messy. You should probably clean it. And the rest of your room. And the bathroom. And look at all the old stuff in the back of your fridge. You should clean that too.
  • Keep your phone nearby in case one of your friends is trapped in a burning building and you need to go save them.
  • Build a palace with your textbooks to get your creative juices flowing.
  • The temperature in your room is weird so change from sweatpants to shorts and back like six times because there's no way you can study unless you have a comfortable body temperature.
  • Study for 20 minutes and then watch 3 episodes of your favourite show because it's good to give yourself breaks while you're studying. Gotta let it all sink in.
  • Your eyes are pretty sleepy after all that Parks and Recreation you watched, so you should probably lay down for a bit and rest them.
  • After your nap, you wake up and you can probably get 20 more minutes of studying in before you realize that you haven't checked the news today and what if your hometown got burnt to the ground?
  • Shoot, it's your aunt's birthday. You should catch up on your happy birthday Facebook messages so the guilt can't distract you from your studying.
  • You've had enough of eating gummy worms so you should probably order a pizza.
  • Chat up the delivery guy for longer than usual, because loneliness has a negative effect on the retention of information, probably.
  • Your friends are going out for drinks and alcohol is just what you need to get rid of the stress of all this homework you have. It'll be way easier to study once you're super relaxed.
  • Finally, just go to bed, because after all, you can always study tomorrow.

Saturday 15 September 2012

Paranoid: Things I'm Constantly Worried Will Kill Me Part 2

5 more things that I'm always pretty concerned will end my life. It's a scary world out there!

6. Intersections/parking lots. Yes, we walk/drive through these all the time. But really, think about how much trust is actually required when you do. You have to trust that a complete stranger doesn't suddenly feel a lust for blood and run you over. That's actually a huge amount. Not to mention all the possible people falling asleep at the wheel/toddlers accidentally putting the car in drive.

7. Escalators. You accidentally trip at the last second and your head gets gobbled up. You don't step off soon enough and you're bleeding out because it ripped our leg off. Someone standing behind you suddenly decides to murder you. You fall down the up escalator and you just keep falling and falling and falling because it's always going up, you can never reach the bottom. Point made, I believe.

8. Power outlets. I pretty much have a mini panic attack every time I plug something in or unplug something. Why? Easy. So many things could go wrong. The cord could be a little cracked or broken. A whole bunch of other technical electriciany stuff could go on... You get the point. Electricity is scary and even though we use it every day, that does not mean it is your friend.

9. Wearing loose shirts to bed. This one sounds dumb, but people have been strangled by weirder things.

10. Elevators. Self-explanatory. I'm not even going to bring up the fact that you could drop to your death at any time from great heights (but you totally could.) My biggest fear here is getting stuck and slowly wasting away in a tiny box that feels like it's continually getting smaller and smaller and smaller. And you could be stuck in there with all sorts of crazies, just to make it worse.



If you haven't read Part 1 of Paranoid click here --> here.
For Part 3 click here --> here.

If you have any comments or concerns or you heard a funny joke today, feel free to leave them in the comment box below.

Also, don't be scared to share. I can almost assure you that you won't end up dead from pressing a button on the internet. Almost...




Friday 14 September 2012

19ish Reasons That It Would Be So Cool To Be A Cat

1. Insta-naps. Lay down, fall asleep. Sleep all day.

2. Your food is just there for you. And it comes in all those tasty flavours like chicken and tuna.

3. Having a tail.

4. String is no longer boring. Now, it's the best toy ever.

5. Climbing trees like an absolute tree-climbing boss.

5. Sharp claws/teeth.

6. You don't have to worry about knowing how to count.

7. You're super fluffy and everyone loves you for that. (Unless you're hairless, which would be unfortunate.)

8. You're a YouTube sensation, probably.

9. Mice are at your mercy AND they're a tasty snack.

10. You're secretly taking over the world but humans have no idea.

11. Stretching looks way more amazing and satisfying when a cat does it.

12. Dogs won't admit it but, yeah, they're scared of you.

13. Everything is a super fun toy.

14. You rarely get put on a leash or dressed in dumb outfits like dogs are. (Although there are exceptions.)

15. Your paws are small enough to type on a computer.

16. Everything is a comfy bed. You will sleep anywhere.

17. Your pee pretty much has the power to destroy everyone and everything.

18. You don't have to wear pants.

19. Even the most terrible/evil/tough people secretly love cats, and will cuddle with you AND talk to you in a baby voice, as long as no one can see them and judge them.

Top 5 Concert Fouls

Here are some common concert-going moves that I personally deem to be Concert Fouls. You've seen them all before.

5. Giant bags that take up the space of an entire person. Seriously, girls? What's in there that you need that badly? You're at a concert. You need money, ID, phone and your ticket. A small purse will work fine and you won't be that annoying jerk who turns around and knocks everyone over. Also in this category, backpacks. Why do you need a backpack? Your drugs are stored in your sock, there's no reason for the BP.

4. The Boyfriend Hugging Girlfriend From Behind Stance. No one's gonna steal her, man. She's not going to try to escape and get with someone else. You were her ride there, it's safe to assume you're her ride home. Plus after a while, she probably wants to cut your arms off and beat you over the head with them.

3. Throwing your belongings. What is wrong with you? That shoe cost you 80 bucks and you just threw it into the air. Not only is it probably going to hit someone in the face, but you lost half of a pair of shoes, and you still have to get home tonight. Okay, okay, so you're super hardcore, you don't need shoes. But you should still be considerate of the person who catches your smelly shoe or sweaty t-shirt.

2. Filming the entire concert on your cellphone. Come on. You're at the concert right now. Stop trying to get the best shot and just enjoy the real thing. You'll never watch what you recorded and even if you do, you'll only be able to hear the girl beside you, singing the wrong lyrics, all off key. And everyone behind you wants to kill you because your phone is right in their view of the cute guitar player.

1. Concert Apparel. This one needs to be broken down into sections.

a) Wearing another band's tee to the concert. No. Stop it.
b) Buying a shirt at the merch table and immediately putting it on.
c) Wearing the band's t-shirt from another concert.
d) Homemade shirt. Never make homemade shirts.

Why am I so picky about what t-shirt to wear? You're at the concert already. We know you like the band, we know you like music. You don't need to prove it by wearing the band on your shirt. It's lame, it's a big cliche, and it's my biggest concert foul.


Saturday 8 September 2012

7 Reasons You Look Super Cool Drinking Beer (Or Super Lame Not Drinking Beer)

1. When you have a beer, and people around you don't have a beer, everyone else wants a beer, and thus become extremely jealous that you have one. This is fairly simple and obvious. Even people who don't like beer are hypnotised by how thirst-quenching it looks, and I don't know anyone who would deny that.

2. You're not drinking a wimpy vodka cooler. Trust me a cooler does not make you look cooler, despite the misleading name. Vodka coolers are for wimps. (Note: I'm going to be completely honest and admit that coolers are too sweet for me and make me throw up every time, but that little issue is saving me from a whole lot of looking super lame.) No song has every been written about someone with an ice-cold Woody's in their hand.

3. Pointing at stuff with your beer bottle. You cannot point at stuff with a wine glass. You cannot point at stuff with a rye and coke. The only thing that is cooler than pointing with a beer is pointing with a cigarette but smoking is bad for you, so the beer will have to do (because alcohol has no negative effects on your life or health whatsoever).

4. You don't look like a pretentious jerk. (UNLESS you're drinking an obscure, unheard of, super expensive, gluten-free beer. Then you look like an a-hole.) When you're drinking scotch, you just kind of look like a snob, unless you're at a country club or have a monocle.

5. You look like a fun time. Everyone knows that people who drink beer are fun and laid back. But not too fun that you're going to be arrested (vodka) or end up naked in public (tequila).

6. It's like a special club. People will share their beer with you. If you're a known beer drinker, fellow beer lovers will share their brews with you, simply because you didn't have one in your hand at that second. No one shares their coolers like that because you can only but them four at a time. And no one's going to mix you a drink with their rum.

7. Because you're obviously loving your beer, and that makes you cool. Okay, that one's pretty stupid, but "6 reasons for something" for some reason sounds kinda lame.

Share any other reasons you can think of and be entered for a chance to win a beer*!







*You will not really win a beer, but you can go to your fridge and get one if you want.

Friday 7 September 2012

Paranoid: Things I'm Constantly Worried Will Kill Me Part 1


I am afraid of the weirdest things. Honestly, I'm aware that some of these are totally irrational fears, but at the same time, there's always the possibility of freak accidents. Don't ever think that you're the exception! One day an anvil might be dropped from a building and you may be standing beneath it. You can't prove that it won't happen. So here's a list of some things that I'm pretty paranoid about. Enjoy, and I hope I scare you into never leaving your house again. (I only say this because at the rate that my fears are growing, it won't be long before I live in a shack in the middle of a field with no furniture or appliances.) Anyways, here are some things you could read about in the paper in the weird death section (I know that doesn't exist, but it should) and some stuff that maybe you do every day, but is totally Danger Bay.

1. Filing cabinets. They are big, they are heavy and if you have more than one drawer open by accident, they could squish you real good. And of course, I sometimes have to sit in front of them, filing stuff into the bottom drawer. I guess this isn't neccesarily a weird death, just a super unfortunate one. Death by files. Worked to death? Drowning in paperwork.

2. Coughing. Basically every time I even start to cough a little bit, I assume it's the end for me. And usually that thought is accompanied with, "Oh man, I'm gonna die right here in this grocery store and everyone is looking and it's gonna be so totally embarrassing." No lie. Half of my fear of death involves dying embarrassingly or while a lot of people are around. (You're probably thinking that this is totally stupid and how would a tragic occurance be embarrassing. Well I assure you, I can find something that could be embarrassing in almost any situation.) So of course, my death will surely come in the lamest of ways and in the most public of places. Coughing myself to death in public.

3. Ceiling fans. I don't know how you can't be terrified of ceiling fans. One loose screw and peeeew, there goes your head. Two reasons that this is inconvinient for me: 1. It's hot as heck around here and we don't have A/C in my home and 2. I like the sound of it, for the most part. UNTIL it starts to sound a little wobbly. Now, this happens all the time. the fan just makes a bit of a silly noise and normal people don't even notice it. But I quickly say a few prayers and scold myself for not making that grilled cheese when I had the chance. Of course the sound is usually nothing and I get over it. But IT MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN NOTHING. So it's always good to be prepared and wear a suit of armour to bed.

4. Mixing drugs. I'm not talking about meth and cocaine, because I'm terrified of both of those things on their own. No, I'm talking about things as simple as Advil and taurine (that's the stuff in RedBull that doesn't give you wings but does get you a little shaky.) What if there's a weird chemical reaction inside of me and my insides simply implode? What if I ate something that had some kind of chemical in it and now my intestines are steadily melting away and I only have 6 hours to live? This may sound ridiculous but the thoughts cross my mind often. We don't understand half the crap that's going into our bodies, so I'm going to say this is a pretty logical fear. (Ummm, maybe.)

5. Anything slippery, ever. I do not skate. I never have, and I imagine I never will. You cannot make me get on skates and slide around on terrifying ice. (Don't even get me started on the possibility of slicing a major artery with the blade on those death shoes.) When it's rainy or a floor is wet, I take about 3 times longer to get anywhere. The only thing stopping me from crawling around on the floor is my fear of dying from embarrassment. 

These are just a few of the things that worry me on a day to day basis. Or at least they bother me whenever I'm confronted with them. It may seem overdramatic but I'm an anxious person, and the world is a dangerous place. Look for more of these soon because I develop new fears all the time!

Watch your step!


Also, check out Paranoid: Part Two and Part 3 for more ridiculous fears.

Thursday 6 September 2012

The Blackout

Frosh week. Get drunk. Do stupid stuff. Forget everything.

But why? Honestly, the number of Facebook statuses I've read about getting blackout drunk or whatever, it's ridiculous. Why is getting crazy drunk considered an accomplishment? And you're a loser if you'd rather have a few drinks over a game of cards.

Don't get me wrong here, I like to have a few drinks, and I've had a few too many. But I don't start out with the intention of getting out of control. Binge drinking is exactly why we can't have a lower drinking age here. People get out of hand, and people do stupid things, and that's why there's puke on the stairs of every res building every Sunday morning.

And I can guarantee you that the kid who puked on the stairs tells that story like it's one about him finishing a marathon or something. This is something I do as well. Why do we tell our drunk tales like they're something to be proud of.? They're kind of not. Just because you got drunk, doesn't mean you had a good time. And you can have a good time without being drunk. Puking, to me, does not equal a good time.

But yet there they are, the pics on Facebook of some chick with her head in your toilet. And it's the best picture ever! Clearly the best night was had if there was puking involved. And the next thing you know that chick has this pic as her profile picture. Why are you bragging that you poisoned yourself and had to vomit up all the shrimp you ate at the pub (in a nice vodka-y puke-sauce, probably)?

Here's the thing I don't understand the most though. It honestly baffles me every time I see it, and I see it a lot. "Blackout tonight." What? You're planning to have an awesome time and forget about it completely? What's even the point? You essentially just lost an entire night of your life, so what was even the point of going out? More valuable memories could have been made by staying home. That said, I think a lot of the time when people "forget" the goings on of the night before, they're lying. No, I KNOW that a lot of the time when people forget things, they're lying.

What's the point here? I'm not telling people not to party. I really don't care, I'm only questioning why partying is held on such a pedestal. Are you proving that you don't care? Are you going against society in some way? Are you looking for an excuse to hook up with someone? Or is it just attention seeking (This one has my vote. People who stay in don't get attention, so let's go out and let strangers take shots off our bodies.) Whatever it is, I think it makes our society a little sloppy and most definitely not classy. But my rant on classiness is for another day.



PS: I know it's been a while, but expect more content soon and more often. Sometimes your brain goes through a dry spell and you don't have anything to rant about. Weird, but it happens.