Newborn Babies Are Ugly

I'm sure about half of the people who clicked this link did so because they recently had a child or a family member recently had a child or they recently found a child on the side of the road or something and they're thinking, "You, Alene, are a numbskull. Babies are cute. Look how cute my baby is." I should probably start out by saying I'm sorry, people who recently kidnapped a baby, but you are blinded by love and therefore have no say in the matter at this time.

Babies - not talking two year-olds but actual, fresh-out-the-womb babies - are ugly.

Let's look at exhibit A:
















I'm sorry, that's a really terrible example because that is the most gorgeous child I've ever seen. (It's me.) To be fair, I'm not actually "fresh-out-the-womb" here. But I couldn't let you miss out on the opportunity to see this absolute gem of a photograph.

Here's exhibit B, a photo of me right after being birthed from the canal:





















Okay, I actually couldn't find a picture of me that young, but this is close enough. Babies (and I guess old people too if you're going to be an argumentative a-hole) are the human equivalent of raisins. And no one in the history of ever has ever called a raisin "cute."

I bring up this baby issue because I always have to laugh when people comment on Facebook photos and tell someone that their baby photo (you know, the one where the baby is practically still covered in slime and the new mother looks like she just shoved a watermelon out of unmentionable places?) is super adorable. I can't deny the fact that I've done this a time or two. But really, when we say it, do we mean it? I mean, yes, babies are tiny versions of people, which I guess is almost, sort-of, in a way an aspect of cuteness. But they're not mini-jar-of-Cheez-Whiz-cute (those little jars make toast a more adorable meal!) I don't even know the difference between your little bundle of joy and the bundle of joy that ruined my entire Boston Pizza experience by screaming and crying and pooping.

And it's not even like newborns do anything fun. They just blink and blow spit bubbles, which I'm sure is totally great if you're one of the people who contributed the ingredients for making this kid, or one of the people who distracted the doctor while your partner stole it. And that's exactly why recent parents or hijackers (?) of children are not allowed a say in this. You're too emotionally involved.

And here's the other thing - human babies are possibly the wimpiest things in the entire animal world. I think they're second only to baby opossums:

Freaking disgusting, right? But at least opossums have the excuse of only being in the womb for 12 days. 12. That was not a typo. 12 days. Humans are in there for almost 300 (Look, we're learning things!) and they still won't be mature enough to do your evil bidding for at least a few years after they're born.

And of course, there is a point where kids are cute. That point comes somewhere between when they learn to walk and when they learn to talk. Other than that, they're either a raisin, or a dirty, snot-covered brat. (I really do apologize if I offend people. But the internet is a place for honesty and truth-telling.)

Afterword:
Maybe, one day, when I give birth to my own child (fingers crossed that they've figured out teleportation at that point and can just beam the thing out of me) I'll feel differently about the matter. But at that point my opinion will not matter because it will have been compromised by the little angel who "has my eyes." (How the flying Fudgesicle can you even tell?!?! The thing's face is just a bunch of raisin folds that kind of resemble a human being.)

I Didn't Write A Christmas Blog Post (Until Now)

According to some search engine statistics sites which may or may not be completely inaccurate, people were doing a lot of searching for the terms "Merry Christmas" and "Christmas" in the past few days. So writing an* Xmas blog would have been the perfect way to get some serious search engine traffic (if you care about that sort of thing, which I don't even though I share my blog on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, StumbleUpon, Reddit, Digg, Google+, etc.) But everyone and their cat was writing posts about Christmas. I say cat because dogs aren't smart enough or evil enough to commandeer our laptops at night, let's be serious.

So, writing a blog about how my Christmas went and what Santa brought me, etc. would be, in my opinion, beating a dead reindeer. (By the way, Santa brought me an Xbox and my brothers bought me Lego Lord of the Rings so I'm the happiest camper that ever camped in a warm trailer with electricity hook up and a big screen TV.) I started a post about my favourite Christmas things, including Hershey's Candy Cane Kisses, Love Actually and Bridget Jones and Mark Darcy's Christmas jumpers. But really, I felt like I wasn't actually in love with all of these things as much as I thought I was or as much as I used to be. (Except the candy cane kisses. Those things are amazing.)

So, here's the sad thing about Christmas at this stage in my life: I just don't really care about it that much. Whether this has something to do with the fact that my parents recently sent me an email trying to convince me that Santa isn't real (they just want credit for the amazing gift he brought for me) or because I'm extremely lazy and lifting my arm to hang crappy decorations made by kindergarten-age-Alene is just way too much work, I don't know. (Another side note - my family didn't have a tree at all this year and guess what? I got no unnecessary arm exercise because of it. All of my arm-energy went to lifting my fork during Christmas dinners. Win.) Maybe there's just so much other stuff happening right now that Christmas kind of gets overshadowed. Or maybe, Xmas just isn't actually as exciting the 20th time around.

I'm not saying that I don't like being with my family, because that's my favourite thing in the whole world. But, I believe that you shouldn't need excuses (like Christmas or raiding a closet to find the sweatpants your cousin stole from you) to see the people you love. And I'm not saying that I don't love watching people open the gifts I bought them, even if the smile on their face is completely fake because "Sweet Jolly Ranchers, ANOTHER candle, Alene, seriously?"

I didn't ask for anything this year (except for a KNOPE 2012 campaign poster which I did not receive. I'm gonna go drip my tears all over my new Xbox controller about it.) The only things I want out of Christmas are alcohol (got lots of that), a cheese ball (I saw one at dinner, but I don't know that anyone opened it, which is upsetting. Or they opened it and I didn't get any, which is even more upsetting.), some good laughs (check), and A KNOPE 2012 CAMPAIGN POSTER, MOM AND DAD! IT WAS ONLY LIKE $12 ON NBC.COM!

So, where am I going with this? And why have I started so many of my paragraphs with "So?" I feel like my English professor would be punching me in the back of the head if she were reading this over my shoulder right now. She also says that parenthesis are a waste of time but I like to interrupt myself a lot and sometimes dashes just don't format the way you want them to. Sorry, what was I talking about?

Christmas.

Does Christmas get old? Yeah, maybe. My mother says it starts to get interesting again once you have kids, so here's hoping Christmas remains boring for a few more years.

Some people love Christmas for the gifts, other people love it for the food. Because you can't buy and cook a turkey any other time of year (pause to let that sink in.) And I mean if you're really in need of a gravy fix there's always KFC. Except that I think every tsp of KFC gravy takes 2.4 minutes of your life. That's the secret ingredient in KFC chicken - human life force. Still tasty though.

I actually prefer Easter to Christmas, probably because there's a lot less snow and a lot more finding chocolate eggs in random places for the next week (or the next year, which HAS happened.) And Easter hasn't been completely taken over by consumerism and AMAZING deals on KNOPE 2012 CAMPAIGN POSTERS, MOM AND DAD! At least I don't think it has. I mean, every type of chocolate bar has now converted itself to egg form. But egg-shaped Hershey's cookies and cream chocolates are the greatest thing in the entire world so I'm not complaining. Okay, maybe Easter is selling out too, but in a more delicious way than Christmas.

So, (damn it!) let's conclude this babbling. Christmas is a time for giving, sharing, loving and smiling even though you didn't get the gift you wanted. And no matter how consumerized it gets, you just have to remember that Christmas is not defined by the gifts, or the money, or the digging your car out of the driveway so that you can get to dinner (that has nothing to do with consumerism except that why the hell don't we have a snow blower?) It's about sharing the love and opening the damn cheese ball.

*Grammar Side Note - Do you pronounce "Xmas" as "Christmas" or do you say, "ex-mas" because I have no idea and the pronunciation dictates whether or not I should have used "an" or "a." I pronounce it "ex-mas" so my fellow grammar nazis can leave me alone on this one, okay? Also, I think I have some major comma mistakes happening in this little footnote. My apologies. 

Public Restrooms

If you're a human being, which I assume you are, there are certain bodily things that you cannot avoid. These bodily things often bring us to the most terrifying place known to the world. I'm talking about public restrooms. We could go on and on about what makes a public bathroom so scary, but I've narrowed it down to a list of the top 5 scariest things (according to me) about public bathrooms. (I'm talking specifically about the women's bathroom. I do not know what happens in the men's and I do not care to.)

5. That lady who you watch leave the stall and walk directly out the door without even pretending to wash her hands. Thank you, Lady, for wiping your genital germs all over the door handle and subsequently all over everything in the mall/all the plates in the buffet/all the play place balls at McDonalds.

4. The giant group of girls who are all checking their hair and make-up and I just want to wash my hands and get back to the giant plate of nachos that I didn't plan on sharing with anyone but now my friends are probably feasting on them, excuse me please! This was always the worst between classes in high school when girls would go to reapply their make-up after every class. Actually, when I think about it I'm not sure if it was the same girls doing this every break or if it was just that half the girls in my high school looked exactly the same. Regardless, this is intimidating for me since I often go to the washroom alone in order to avoid inconveniencing my friends or whoever despite the golden rule of girlhood which states one must always go to the bathroom in a group.

3. Everything is always wet. I don't really think I need to explain why this is disturbing, so all I will do is pose this one simple yet baffling and disturbing question: What exactly IS this liquid that is covering EVERYTHING?

2. Running out of TP. This is always the worst. And jeepers, what if you broke female tradition and went to the bathroom by yourself? And so you have to ask a stranger beside you for some and she's probably been sitting in that stall all day waiting for someone to ask her for TP because that's how she chooses her next murder victim. TP tip courtesy of my mother: When in a TP pickle, just use the TP roll itself. (It should be noted that this is a solution that only works when peeing. If other functions have occurred, you're, forgive me, SOL.)

1. Making eye contact with someone through the crack in the stall. This is by far my worst fear. I have a recurring nightmare where I have to use a public bathroom and there's no door on the stall or there's no stall at all. (This is a true story. I have it ALL the time.) And think about this: How often do you look up when you're using a public bathroom? Never. Someone could be standing on the toilet in the next stall and watching you. I'm just saying, there are some creepy people out there. And let's not overlook those pesky little brats crawling around on the ground and looking under stalls. Has this ever happened to you? It happened to me sometime during my pubescent years and I don't think I ever recovered from it. But back to the crack thing (that's a joke that cannot be avoided in this case.) I know most people don't mean to do it, but sometimes your eyes get a little bit out of control and you accidentally peek. I can't be the only person who this has accidentally happened to (Please tell me I'm not the only person this has accidentally happened to.) So, regardless of what side of the stall door you're on, that crack in the stall door is a dangerous thing.

You may have noticed that I left out the thing that most people are most afraid of. You all know what I'm referring 2. But I was trying not 2 get 2 graphic and it generally goes without saying, so I left it out. 2. (<---- Did you figure it out yet?)
So now, please forward this to your friend who just dragged you to the bathroom with her even though you didn't have to go in hopes that she'll hurry the hell up so you can get out of this wretched place. And remember, wash your damn hands!

Stuff You're Going To Need After The Apocalypse

People are always so concerned about surviving the apocalypse. But anyone who knows anything about the end of the world knows that survival mostly involves luck and being in the right place at the right time. People always forget that once they survive the horrors of whatever apocalypse claims Earth first, they're going to be stuck in a chaotic, unorganized and unpredictable society. So, here's a list of stuff you should be hoarding (in a safe place where it won't be destroyed!) in order to survive AFTER the apocalypse. Some of it is obvious, but it's often the obvious things that you overlook.

Weapons
Shot Gun - I'm not a believer in owning guns, but you know you're gonna need it if zombies turn up. And please store ammo too, or else you're going to look pretty dumb.

Sword - If you've been watching the new television program Revolution, then you're aware that everyone is having sweet sword fights after the power goes out forever. Swords don't need ammo. I think it should be noted that it will be useful for you to actually learn how to handle a sword before the end.

Dog - Your furry friend can and should be trained to be a reliable post-apolcalypse tool. He/she can be used to fight your enemies but also to help find food and for cuddling at night. Unfortunately, cats will not be useful in the same way dogs will be. For one, humans will only hinder a cat's survival. For another, it was probably cats who caused the apocalypse so they're all going to be gathering in their secret volcano lair and laughing and laughing and laughing. Note: Don't keep the dog IN the survival kit that you have most likely buried underground for protection.

Health
First Aid Kits - Is this beyond obvious? Yes. But it needed to be said. I'm not a medical professional, so I'm not going to tell you exactly what should be in your first aid kit. Please bring that question to your doctor next time you're in for a check up. Make sure to specify that you may need some medical supplies to deal with strange diseases, nuclear fallout, zombie bites, killer ants, bipedal cats or possibly even Bieber fever.

Pain Killers - You're probably going to hurt yourself a few times during or after the initial chaos. So maybe you want your bruises to be a little less painful. But if you can avoid being a little wimp and save these up, you might be able to use them as a form of currency when you come across less manly and awesome people than yourself.

Antibiotics - In case your doctor failed to point out to you that there will probably be no hospitals after aliens destroy half the planet, so one little infected hangnail and you could die.

Saw - You're possibly going to need to chop off your brother's arm because he got bitten by a contaminated something rather and is going to shrivel up into a shell of his former self unless you get the poison out immediately. Also, wood for fires.

Coats/Boots/Hats/Socks - Because it is very possible that all of your other belongings have been destroyed in the nuclear bombing/, it is very important that you keep these things in your super safe, underground, reinforced hiding place.

Plant Identification Book - So you don't eat anything poisonous, obviously. And maybe take a look at it beforehand and see how good you are at identifying stuff. We don't want any Into The Wild situations, right?

Toe Nail Clippers - Something that crosses my mind all the time when I'm watching movies and shows where people are trying to survive out in the wilderness is, "Oh my goodness, their toe nails must be long and uncomfortable. How are they running right now?" So, avoid this problem by sticking some clippers in your kit.

Filled Canteen - It might be difficult to find water at first, so it would be good to store some so it will be there immediately. And of course the canteen can be refilled if and when you locate a safe water source. Hopefully the apocalypse was not the result of a water-born disease that turns you into a Gill-Man look-a-like and the corresponding chaos that a bunch of creatures from the black lagoon would cause.

Brita Pitcher - We developed water purifying technology. You're not gonna not use it.

Trail Mix And Other Unparishables - A can of beans could go a long way when you're starving after 36 straight hours of dodging meteors.

Seeds - Once you've established a community, you're going to want to have constant access to food. Planting your own is a great idea, don't you think?

Sperm and Eggs - In the event that aliens come down and zap all of our genitals or we all become infected by a disease that prevents reproduction or men all grow tentacles and women don't want to touch them anymore, we're going to need some way to keep the human race going. And all the hospitals and sperm banks probably haven't placed these goods in indestructible places so the sperm and eggs that you keep in your kit are our only hope. (I've been trying to get Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone to donate to the cause but they won't return my tweets.)

Shelter
Sleeping Bag - Preferably a really good, insulated one. I was going to include a full tent in my list, but I thought a tent would be too big and really all it does is make you unable to see people approaching you to kill you and steal all the amazing things that you were smart enough to store for yourself ahead of time. And besides, you can hang a sleeping bag in a tree and it can be a roof for you, if that's what you're concerned about.

For Trading
Alcohol - Not only can booze clean out wounds, but this is going to be extremely useful as currency once society starts getting back together. Just try not to succumb to alcoholism or you'll be the crazy person trading someone else your boots in return for a shot of whiskey.

Lighter Fluid - Okay, you might want this to make campfires and burn down militia camps and stuff, but post-apocalypse, my suggestion is to use the least amount of it as possible. Because other people are going to want it. And you're going to want things from other people. (This is the concept behind trading, people!)

Batteries - There's going to be some crazy, violent warlord out there who just wants to listen to Matchbox Twenty on his walkman. Give him these batteries and you will be allowed to live, probably.

Light Bulbs - If electricity is still a thing, these could definitely be a hot item that people want. Of course, since you're not afraid of the dark, you don't need these and you can trade them for a Sno Ball.

Miscellaneous 
Twinkies - I assume everyone has been buying as many Twinkies as they can in response to the death of Hostess, so this shouldn't be too tough. Did you see Zombieland? You're gonna suddenly want a Twinkie and you're gonna get yourself into all sorts of inconvenient situations trying to get one. Also, it's possible that they're going to be good for making shelters with.

Soap - Yeah, this might not be useful immediately after the world meets it's fiery collapse, but once the dust settles, you're going to miss a good shower. It's the little things.

Books - Anarchy will probably be all the rage after the world goes to crap, so it is important that you keep a piece of literature that is important to you because all the other books are going to be set on fire. Literacy is going to be forgotten in the years after the apocalypse (probably) but it is important that you pass it on so that eventually we can have a civilized society again. Personally, I've stored Bossypants by Tina Fey because it's funny and because if this book is found and treated like the Post-Apocalypse Bible, lame and awkward chicks like me are going to be revered and protected.

Can Opener - If anyone has seen or read The Pianist, then you're familiar with what is possibly the most disappointing and heartbreaking scene ever. This starving man finally finds a can of food in one of the crumbling buildings of the Warsaw ghetto. But he has no way to open it. Don't let this happen to you. You're going to need all the help you can get finding food.

Rope - This has an unbelievable number of uses. Tie your food into a tree. Help make a shelter. Tie up possible enemy spies. Retrieve someone who fell into a large crevice. And of course if things in the aftermath are just too unbearable to you... actually we aren't going to venture down that dark path.

Knife - Like I should even need to tell you what this is for. But I will. Skin your prey, stab your enemies, whittle sticks when you're bored at night. I suppose you can even use your knife as a method of taking drugs, however I wouldn't suggest self-handicapping yourself by being high all the time.

Needle and Thread - I know it's the end of the world so fashion is probably not a big concern, but if there's a huge rip in your pants and you're trying to run away from giant mutant squirrels or there's a really strong breeze, you're going to want to be able to sew that up. Also, this could be used to give someone stitches if you know what you're doing. Or if you don't know what you're doing. Seriously, it's the end of the world, you've got very little to lose.

Cards - I'm just saying, if you find a decent shelter and food and stuff, you're going to be pretty darn bored, so you'll probably be playing a lot of Crazy 8s.

Camouflage Makeup - If you're going to be a kamikaze, you're gonna need to be able to hide. And I mean, it's possible that you'll be able to live in a somewhat civilized world, but you never know. You might have to run from the unjust law. You might have to fight the law. And also you probably look pretty sick with all that make-up on. Also, you can use this to make yourself look like a zombie. If you fit in, perhaps they'll let you roll with their gang and they'll leave your brain alone.

Useful Skills
Lock picking
Sword fighting
Trap laying
Animal skinning
Gun shooting
Fire making
Plant identifying
Shelter building
Lie telling
Face reading
Weapon making
Knot tying
Morse coding
Running away and leaving the slow people for slaughtering
Hiding for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours

A Few More Tips
Now, in the event that you end up completely alone after the apocalypse, it's probably going to be impossible for you to carry all of these things because unfortunately not all of us have the capability to enchant a bag so that there is unlimited room inside of it like Hermione did. So choose what you take carefully. This is what all those tough decisions about which weapons to use and which magical item to take in all of your favourite video games has been preparing you for.

Hopefully, however, you are able to stay in contact with your slightly psychopathic friend who you're currently only keeping around to protect you in the event of an apocalypse.

And I hope that you've thought about the possibility of an apocalyptic event happening at any time and decided to always be wearing comfortable and durable footwear. No more heels, ladies. There's no way you're going to be able to escape invading aliens in heels.

Also, it's possible that your home is still intact and you can just live there with all your stuff. Good for you! But now you'll have to build a wall around your home and set lots of traps and stuff to keep crazy psycho people from coming on your property. So you might want to store a lot of cement and barbed wire in your basement.

Finally, since the apocalypse could occur at any time, you may be caught far away from your excellent stash of post-apocalypse surviving goodies. Therefore, making a mini kit that you carry around at all times could prove to be very beneficial. Maybe include a knife, some rope, toe nail clippers, a can of tuna, batteries and one of those tiny bottles of rum (this is for yourself because it's going to be stressful thinking about all the things you stockpiled that you aren't able to get to.)

s(NO)w

No one likes the cold. Argue all you want, Northern people (myself included I guess.) But I know that you're only saying you love the cold and the snow so that the rest of the world can't tell you that you're a complete idiot for choosing to live in cold places. Yes, I live in Canada. I was born here, so this isn't my fault (Hey, did you know not all of Canada gets tons of snow?!?) Okay, YES, I moved to stupid Ottawa where it's freezing and snows like crazy. That is my fault. But I will happily admit to you that snow is the devil's confetti and I HATE it.

Okay, so there are some good things about snow. Including (and limited to) snow forts, snowmen, snow globes and being able to follow the trail of the polar bear that stole your baby. Oh! And when you're thirsty at recess a nice handful of snow is super refreshing (note: at this time in human's pollution of the earth, this may result in superpowers or death.)

So, there are the good things. Now it's time for the bad. Here are a some reasons (not all the reasons) that snow sucks.

- Driving. Going 40 in a 100? Not my favourite thing. Having to guess if you're in the correct lane or not? Even farther from my favourite thing. Car chases in the snow? Google Canadian Police Chase.

- Digging your car out of the driveway. People are going to say "Oh, I have a garage, you're an idiot for not having a garage." Shut up.

- Wet feet. Snow melts, you guys. It melts and becomes water. Snow gets in your boots (or shoes because I try to avoid boots. Okay, I see where this one is partially my fault.) Snow melts in your boots and then it takes approximately 48 hours for your feet to be not freezing. And that's only if you don't have to go outside again in that time.

- Running away from enemies. Running through deep snow is very difficult. And try hiding from someone when they can follow your tracks exactly. Yeah, that's what I thought.

- Dropping money. ~$2,367,832.23 CDN is lost annually in the snow.

- Danger from above. Snow falling off branches, ledges, windowsills. And avalanches, duh.

- It's GODDAMN COLD.

And et cetera. Let me repeat: No one ACTUALLY likes the cold. No one wants their face to be so numb that they can't even feel the snot running down their chins. No one wants their fingers to turn black and fall off. And no one wants to see their backyard covered in disgusting sparkly white stuff while they sit toasty and warm with a cup of hot chocolate by the fire. NO ONE. If you say you like it, you are a liar. (Pants on FIRE. The opposite of snow. There's a joke here somewhere. Let me know if you find it.)

And STOP WRITING IT'S SNOWING STATI. God, Facebook ruins everything.

In conclusion, there's SNOW way I will ever like winter. You can sCOLD me all you want for being so grumpy about it. But it isn't nICE. (Note: I should be PUNished because those were the worst jokes that have ever been written.)

University, Children's Cartoons, and Other Things

I have a story for you.

So the other night I'm reliving my childhood by watching clips from the beloved children's film (if you can even call it a children's film because holy goodness, it's intense. Epic battle scene, much?!), The Land Before Time.

Completely-off topic-you-can-skip-over-this-if-you-want-Note: Does anyone in the world really know what the rules are with parenthesis and other punctuation? Does anyone even care? Are brackets even relevant anymore outside of BEDMAS? Just a thought. Googling it later. Anyways...

So I'm watching TLBT and loving my life when suddenly it occurs to me, "Holy fucoxanthin, these dinos are racist!" Yes, yes, it is true. Examples:

Cera: Threehorns never play with longnecks. They only talk to other threehorns and they only travel with other threehorns. 
(And at one point she calls Littlefoot's dead mom a "stupid longneck." Like, for realsies.)
Also...
Ducky: Hello. I said hello! What is your name? Maybe you cannot talk yet, huh?
Littlefoot: Don't you know anything? Longnecks don't talk to, whatever you are.

So anyways, you get the point. And by the end of the movie everyone loves each other and species doesn't matter anymore and everything is great. So I'm feeling all warm and happy and then I think, "Wow, this would be great for an essay about race relations or anti-racism!" And THEN I think, "Holy $&%@! I hate university." Because? Because it's ruining perfectly enjoyable entertainment and making me find themes and deeper meaning. I don't want to think about themes and meanings behind my favourite childhood films. I just want to laugh at the silly farcical comedy (FARCICAL?! See, it's happening again) and giggle at the more adult jokes that I didn't get when I was little. (Another side note, a bit more relevant - 13 movies later and Littlefoot and the gang still aren't grown up... Which is probably a good thing for him because what giant dinosaur wants a name like Littlefoot?)

So now I'm thinking about all my favourite childhood stories and they're all being ruined! I hate learning life lessons! And I hate thinking when I don't want to think. My brain doesn't shut up half the time. It's why I watch kids movies. They're so simple.

You know what was a good movie? The Swan Princess. And was it about accepting people even if they're different and love is blind and bestiality isn't really a big deal? NO! It was about nothing. It was just a good story. So shut up, brain.

For the record, I'm not talking about shows like Caillou and Veggie Tales that are clearly trying to teach us about sharing and not calling out the dumb kids in class for being dumb. I'm not talking about the clear societal morals that we're always trying to teach our children so they don't grow up to be major brats with babies at 16 (Wait a second, did teaching kids these lessons through television and media fail? Did they all become a little too friendly and curious because Spongebob is just a little too friendly and curious? That would be a great essay...) And for the record again, I hated both of those shows. (Caillou and the talking vegetables.) Jeepers, Caillou, listen to you parents and clean up your mess already, okay? Stop being a brat. And it was on PBS. PBS is the worst thing in the world. Except for the show Zoom. I will not argue about this any further.

I learned all my important life lessons from reading Berenstain Bears books. They were the greatest. And look, I'm basically perfect now. (*cough*)

Okay, I've gotten off topic just a bit. I hope you haven't nodded off. Let's make an awkward commute into the point that I know gets brought up by every bored English student while we're reading To Kill A Mockingbird and Huck Finn:

"What if the author just wrote that and had no intentions of providing us with commentary on racism." This statement can clearly be applied to every other book that we study and CLEARLY it does not always have to involve racism. (Whenever I'm writing things on the internet I feel as if I have to spell everything all out for everyone. I have no idea why...)

What if all of these amazing, breakthrough tales read and written about over and over again are just that? Just tales, meant to entertain. That's what storytelling is, isn't it? When my cousin used to make up stories for us when we were kids, she wasn't trying to teach us life lessons. We just thought that a bear who had gas and fell down hills a lot was hilarious. And guess what? It is. It is hilarious. And things like that will never stop being hilarious.

Unless the author comes back from the dead and says, "I'm talking about Racism, you fools!" then I don't quite buy some of the stuff people say about some literature.

So, university, STOP making me unconsciously look for themes and values in everything I watch and read. There's a time and place for deep thinking and for coming up with ideas. That time is not when I'm watching one of my favourite childhood films. UNLESS I actually need to write that essay someday, in which case, thank you for giving me such insight.

I don't think I've said a single insightful thing at all in this babbling. What does it all mean? What's the meaning of life? Who cares? We're going to die and find out eventually. Sometimes you have to take a step back from the problems and the pressures of society and just watch a freaking cartoon rabbit trick a cartoon duck into running off a cliff. And it's funny. And we laugh. And we don't know why. And we don't care why. And that's the truth.

The end.

Making Books Useful

So if you're like me and my family, you probably have shelves full of these really irritating dust collectors called "books." Like seriously, just Wiki the plot summary and get those damn things out of there. Your lungs will thank you.
The internet has summarized and scrutinized all the information that books can offer, so why bother risking a paper cut, right?
And besides, there are so many other things that books can do. (More useful things, at that.) Think about it:

"It's cold out, Mama. We have no wood." "Well, paper burns real nice. Here, Kathy Reichs has written enough fire fuel to last us all night."

"One table leg is shorter than the others!" "How much shorter?" "It's a difference of about one Great Gatsby, I'd say." "Well stick it under there, then!"

"It's Christmas eve, the presents aren't wrapped and the wrapping paper closet is filled with nothing but bare cardboard tubes. But Michael Martchenko did a hell of a job illustrating those silly Munsch books. Use those pages as wrapping!"

"The kid can't reach the sink to wash his hands." "Pile up those hardcover King books. Desperation weighs about as much as the kid does anyway."

"I always keep a hardcover copy of Jane Eyre in my purse." "Oh, well that's not exactly light reading." "No, and it's not exactly a light tap on the head when a fella gets a little too friendly either."

See? And this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to making books a little more useful around the house. Now I don't mean to get ahead of myself, but you're welcome. Sitting indoors with a book is no place for a child in this society. They're all overweight and pasty and 3400 pages of Harry Potter nonsense isn't going to fix that. So prop up your tables and warm your feet. And make a little more space on the mantle for family photos and the coyote your kid shot in the backyard.

The Bible? There's a cute website that acts out the holy book with little lego guys.

There's no place for books anymore. They're too slow. They're too bulky. And you can't keep up with the Kardashians AND read their biographies too.

Paranoid: Things I'm Constantly Worried Will Kill Me The Final Part

I know I said the last one was the last one but let's face it, I find new things to be scared of every day. So, similarly to the Final Destination films which have fuelled so many of my irrational fears, Paranoid is back, even after I promised it was finished.

16. Shaving. Yep, I'm just gonna run this sharp tool over major arteries and stuff while in the slippery shower. That's not dangerous at all. Oh, and let me add some shaving cream because THAT's not going to make it any more slippy in here.

17. Living BELOW someone else. I already talked about living upstairs and the possibility of falling through the floor to my death, and for the most part that has been my main concern. But it dawned on me that if I can fall through the floor, so can the person above me. And so I stare at my ceiling at night, just waiting for the day that the dude upstairs decides to jump on his bed and rip on his air guitar while jamming to his sick tunes and SMASH! I'm squished.

18. The microwave. I don't fully trust anything that can cook food so quickly. And I can't fully trust myself to not put something stupid in there. Either it's going to explode or it's going to catch fire and burn the house to the ground, I know it.

19. Manholes. Um, no, I will not walk over that door in the ground. I don't know if it's sturdy. And I also don't know whether or not a murderer is going to pop out of it after I go by.

20. Walking in the woods and falling into a covered hole filled with sharpened sticks. Hey, it happens in movies all the time. And we all know how serial killers like to imitate things that happen on TV. And it's not like I take tons of nature walks, but this could happen in any old field or back yard.


Have you read the others? No!? Check them out here.

Don't Eat Plants

I can't even believe the selfishness of some humans, honestly. Like just because we have all of this technology and higher cognitive function we can prey on whatever weaker species we like. And these other beings try SO HARD to stay alive. They have mechanisms and processes going on inside of them that the average person can't even begin to understand. I'm talking about plants, you guys. Poor, innocent plants.

Plants provide our world with nothing but beauty. Gorgeous forests, stunning fields of flowers, gardens that take your breath away. But humans come along, all high and mighty, and pluck these plants out of the ground like they're nothing.
It's like if elephants developed some kind of super powers and became invincible (probably after a nuclear war) then decided they would start eating humans. They could just come along and snatch you out of your car and there would be nothing you could do about it. That's what it's like when humans eat plants.

And VEGETARIANS!? They have the nerve of eating only plants. The weakest of all species on Earth and these monsters prey specifically on them. And they'll argue that they just take the fruit. That the plant will be okay. But that apple is the plant's OVARY. Yeah. What if a giant came along and plucked your ovaries out? Doesn't seem so harmless now, does it? I don't even know how vegetarians can live with themselves. They prey on the weakest of living things. They're the cruelest of humans.

"But plants don't feel anything!" Umm.. did a plant tell you that it can't feel anything? No!

Animals? Animals are pests. Animals root through our garbage and destroy our yards. They steal our babies and defecate on our cars. Plants have never done a bad thing. Except for what, grow through cracks in your sidewalk? Fallen over on your house because ANIMALS have damaged its physical stability?

If we really are a higher species, if we really are a progressive and caring race, we would do something about this issue. Have a heart. Join me. Join in the fight to protect our plant friends. Don't eat plants. 

You'll Probably Never Catch 'Em All

I write this at the risk of sounding super lame (I'm just kidding. Everyone loves Pokemon.)

Quick background! My mom works with a kindergarten kid who loves Pokemon, so we were at Walmart fairly recently looking for Pokemon cards for him.
Now, I am an avid Pokemon lover, I would never ever deny it. (Some may call me a Pokemon Master, I dunno.) I can name all original Pokemon, pretty close to the correct order. You can test me on it later. I recently got my wisdom teeth out and spent most of my recovery time playing Pokemon Crystal. (I KNOW, this was after the introduction of new characters, but I've come to accept the first additions.) I'm not embarrassed to admit any of these things. ANYWAYS, looking through the Pokemon section of Walmart, THIS is that we find:

I don't even know what this is. Pokemon used to be cute and awesome. This thing is just confusing. Is that a dragon? What?! No, this is a dragon:

Cute but also awesome. See how that works?

So, I decided to check out some more of these new Pokemon. Here are some of the more ridiculous ones that they've recently come out with:

This thing is just a flying sarcophagus.

  

These two remind me of some monsters from Yu Gi Oh (I'm going to pretend I don't know the name of the Yu Gi Oh look-a-likes, but I definitely know them.) They're just way too intense and terrifying. Remember, I said CUTE is key.

This is an ice cream cone. They called it Vanillish. When you start making monsters that look like delicious treats, that's when you need to stop. I think?

These guys are wearing clothes. Where did you get your clothing, little pokemon?

Honest to goodness, this guy is called Garbodor and he is a pile of garbage. Who was like, "yeah, let's make this dude, he's like a walking pile of trash. That will be awesome."

This guy is actually super cool and I approve of him for some reason.

So what I'm getting at... well, I don't really know. But my inner child is sad about these new things. Wasn't the point of the game to "catch 'em all?" How is anyone supposed to catch them all when they keep making new ones? (Although the people who are making these things are definitely catching all the money, am I right?)

I've spent over half my life enjoying Pokemon and I don't feel like the original 150 ever get old. I don't know, they were just awesome. If I think about it too hard, I actually get a little sad that we just have boring cats and dogs and Ash and Misty and friends got awesome pokemon as companions. (Please don't think I'm weird and lame. I'm only saying what everyone else has thought before. I think.)

And when you really think about it... how f****** dumb are the people living in the land of Pokemon? Are you telling me that you didn't notice that there was this giant pile of garbage running around? Someone just happened upon it one day and now it's abundant all over the place? No.

So, I like to ruin fun children's things and think about them too much. But what do you think? Yes or no to the new Pokemon? Do you care? Do you even know what I'm talking about? Comment away, my friends.

If _____ Took Over The World

Instead of studying, I decided to compose this list. I hope you love it.


If parrots took over the world, we would all be forced to work in cracker factories for no pay.

If Sigmund Freud took over the world, all fathers would be wiped out.

If nudists took over the world, the obesity problem would probably solve itself pretty quick.

If cartoon characters took over the world, we would all die in hilarious, ACME-related accidents.

If Mr. Peanut took over the world, the Underground Reese's Railroad would (hopefully) become a thing.

If seals look over the world, humans would all be clubbed to death.

If cat ladies took over the world, everyone who isn't a cat will die from lack of food, water and shelter.

If Ron Swanson took over the world, there would be silence.

If Justin Bieber took over the world, all men would be slaughtered and every woman would be forced to carry a Bieber Baby.

If Vegans took over the world, we would eventually run out of vegetation and crops and die.

If cellphones took over the world, we would never leave a call waiting.

If cows took over the world, humans were probably all dead already because seriously, how did COWS take over the world?

If Mark Zuckerberg took over the world, we would all be on the internet... all... the... time... Wait a minute...


Can you think of any? I'd love to hear them.

Being A Grown Up

The surprisingly difficult things that you didn't realize were difficult until you had to do them yourself. Maybe most of these were only difficult for me. Yes, okay, actually, let's start over:

Things That I Found Surprisingly Difficult Once I Had To Do Them Myself:

Hair appointments. #1 reason I find this hard to do is that I absolutely hate the phone so making appointments is scary. (That being said my mommy made my last hair appointment so this is a moot point.) I hate that you can hear a voice, but you can't see a face. And I hate the way my voice sounds. I don't want to sound like an idiot. And it's super unfortunate that there's no way to edit the stupid things you say on the phone. Plus when I get there I always panic and I don't know what to tell the hairdresser. 

Cleanliness. The fact that I'm sitting here in sweatpants that haven't been washed in who knows how long, with piles of clothing and empty bottles surrounding me and unwashed dishes on my desk says it all. (That's a real photo from my dorm room last year. Things have not changed.)

Ordering Food Over The Phone. (Because this is an option now that I'm out of the small town scene.) Again, with the phones. I hate them. And then you have to go meet the creepy delivery guy downstairs where he'll probably kidnap you and take you away to be his sex slave and live in his yucky pizza-box-filled basement.

Laundry. Everyone agrees with laundry, but a lot of it might have something to do with having to go all the way to the basement of the building you're living in to actually do the laundry. Or at least that's how I feel. And everyone else using the laundry room is always an idiot! I've found it very tempting to just go out and buy new underwear every week.

Grocery shopping... Alone. I never know what to buy and I always find that I buy too little or I buy a bunch of stuff that I don't even actually want. Plus, it's scary, going into that big place all alone, facing all the intimidating old ladies with their reusable bags and Air Miles cards. They mean business, but you're just a little university student trying to get her Mr. Noodles.

Healthy eating. Pizza pockets are easier than salad, okay!

Finding someone to talk to. We're going to get a little serious, just for a sec. It's tough to talk to other university students about your problems because they have lots of problems of their own. Not having your mommy there all the time to chat with is tough, at least for me.

The emergency room. Last year I accidentally sliced a tiny piece off the end of one of my fingers. (See pic.) There was blood everywhere and I was freaking out because I thought it was a lot worse than it actually was (I thought my finger was going to have a chunk out of it forever.) But despite the bleeding,  I was absolutely terrified to go to the hospital without my mom, so I didn't. Everything is fine, now (except now when you look suuper close, my finger is a weird shape, I SWEAR!) but I'm not going to be able to skip the emergency room in more severe cases like if a bookcase falls on me or if I accidentally cut off my whole arm with a rusty saw.

There are definitely a lot more of these things I'm going to discover as I get older. I'm super lucky that I can call my mom or dad up almost any time and ask them how the heck I'm supposed to do this stuff. I'm sure I'll repay them someday (when they turn 65 and I don't immediately send them to a nursing home.)

I Hate Halloween

I'm being forced to attend a Halloween party this year and I am a little bit on the unimpressed side. I do not like Halloween. I do not like costumes. I do not like free poisoned candy. I do not like fake blood and organs served on platters.
I don't know when I first discovered my dislike for this day. Maybe I had some bad candy once. Maybe someone chased me with a chainsaw while I was out trick or treating (oh, wait, that DID happen. Every year) or maybe I'm just kind of a wimp (true.) Whatever it is, I don't like Halloween, and I'm quite positive that I never will like it.

Costume Stress
I have very powerful memories of how stressed out I would get about choosing my costume as a kid. What if the other kids thought it was stupid? Picking a costume is a BIG DEAL people! Anyway, despite this stress I believe I usually changed what I wanted to be on the day of Halloween and my mom as forced to deal with helping me pick out a new one. And the thing I finally decided on was usually unbelievably lame. Or that's how I remember it anyway. (Except for when I was a Power Ranger. That was sweet.)

Mask Smell
I don't know if this is actually a real thing or if I've just invented it in my head, but do you notice how disgusting Halloween masks smell? Even new ones, they're all plastic-y and disgusting. But it's the old ones that are the worst. Like, the one that your dad wore to the Halloween dance when he was in grade 10 and for some reason decided to keep. (Or, in my household, the terrifying Brian Mulroney mask that I really hope has seen it's last days.)

It's Scary!
I'm all for scary story reading and I love writing creepy tales, but something about Halloween decorations creeps me right out. I guess I prefer to imagine the scary stuff in my head, instead of having to look at it. That being said...

Halloween movies that aren't scary but it makes me anxious even thinking about them:
- Beetlejuice
- The Addams Family
- Edward Scissorhands
- When Good Ghouls Go Bad (Or really any R.L. Stine film/the Goosebumps TV show. I loved the books though.)

Something about these films just makes my insides crawl around all funny. They're all movies that I first saw when I was little, and probably around the same time. I don't know if there was a life event happening at the time that made my memory of these bad or something, but whatever it was, these movies are ruined for me. I can't do scary movies in general. When I'm forced to watch them I'm quite positive that I barely come out alive. Although I want to know the twists and stuff, I just can't deal with the scary. I'm just not into that kind of entertainment.

Let's get all technical here for a sec. Maybe I'll actually teach you something for once. There are a lot of studies that have been done about sensation seeking (i.e. watching scary movies, roller coasters, etc.) Most of them claim that there are various genetic things going on that make someone interested in sensation seeking or not. (i.e. dopamine levels and personality traits like introversion/extraversion.) I strongly believe that I am genetically hardwired to love sitting at home and typing away on my laptop, scoffing at that dude who just jumped from the edge of space. (If you want me to go into any more details I'd gladly mail you a copy of my psychology textbooks for a small fee of $400.)

Okay, now that we've learned something (that's scary) we can bring this thing to a close. I just wanted to let you all know that for Halloween this year, I'm being cotton candy, the most least scary thing in the whole wide world. And I'm going to go around and spread my non-scary cheer everywhere I go.

The Alcohol vs. Weed Argument According To Me

Okay, I'm going to write it all out here and from now on whenever the conversation comes up I'm going to just hand out cards with this link on them. If you need background on the alcohol vs. weed thing, just Google it like normal humans. Okay, anywhooo...

I don't even 100% know why this is a debate because it's all about personal preference right? People who prefer weed will argue for weed, people who enjoy alcohol will argue for alcohol. There are countless websites that will tell you all kinds of info about both of them and they'll try to sway your opinion and whatever. (Have you ever been to marijuana.com? It's actually hilarious because everyone who posts comments on there is like the most typical stoner. Check it out and have a laugh, but remember that stuff they post on there about marijuana is super biased.)

That being said, let's get it out there that I do not smoke "the pot." I'm not just saying this because my mommy or grandma might read this, I'm saying it because it's true. I don't do it. This is a personal choice. And without getting into any more details, that is that.

But I do not condemn those who do smoke. I don't care. Just keep it away from me and I'm happy. (I have mixed feelings about the smell of weed. Sometimes I don't mind it and sometimes I want to rip off the heads of those people who are polluting my precious air. So you should probably just keep it away from me.)

On the other hand, I do enjoy consuming alcohol from time to time. I DON'T enjoy getting blackout drunk and throwing up in hot tubs. So here's the first point against alcohol: Too much of it. I know, you can smoke too much weed and green out. Yes, that's a thing. But it happens a lot less often. Although I might argue that people who black out often probably also smoke weed while they're drinking, but that's a stereotype and stereotypes are bad so pretend I didn't even bring that up. (But I did bring it up and it's pretty accurate.) 

Blacking out aside, alcohol in a small amount is great. It's social, it's "sophisticated," and it gives you that super happy feeling inside. And it's LEGAL. There's a big point against the pot. I don't care what anyone says about how harmless it is, pot is illegal until it's legal. And we have to assume there are reasons for that. I know, it's often unenforced in some countries, and it's essentially legal in some (did you know that pot isn't technically legal in the Netherlands, they just don't enforce the laws at all?) but it's illegal in most places. When you can buy pot at a corner store, we can start up a whole different conversation.

And then there's this whole idea held by extreme pot smokers and a lot of other people too, that you can't get addicted to weed. It's true, addiction to weed is nothing like cocaine or heroin. There aren't any physical withdrawal symptoms from weed, but you can become psychologically addicted, that's a known fact. And of course, alcoholism is a huge deal and it affects tons of people, but at least people who drink alcohol can admit that it's possible to be addicted. 

Here is my biggest problem with weed though, and it's where I'm going to end this tiny debate. For the most part, unless someone is an alcoholic or an idiot, people do not drink alcohol while they're going about their daily things. However, people seem to think it's okay to smoke weed whenever they feel like it throughout the day and everything will be fine. Well, guess what? No, it's not fine. People drive while high, work while high, take care of their kids while high. YOU'RE HIGH! I don't care how functional you think you are. You're still under the influence of a substance. Your reaction time is impaired, you're not thinking your best. If your day is so difficult that you need to smoke weed to get through it, well guess what, buddy? You have a psychological addiction, congratulations.

And it's not like people aren't going to notice. Not everyone is super naive. People know. 

So that's my biggest argument, and I feel like it trumps anything you have to say about alcohol. Yes, I know people DO drive while drunk, but it's a lot less common than driving while high. And that's scary.

Anyway, I'm hoping to get a huge argument going in the comments.... so let me know what you think about the whole thing.

"I'm Done"

I am so done with people saying, "I'm done." You're done what? You're done your task? You're done the race? You're done like dinner? Oh, you mean you're like done with the human race or something?
Okay, that's reasonable. I guess you're just going to pack your suitcase and move to Mars, then, right? Or maybe just spontaneously combust on the spot?

It just frustrates me that this is a thing. And it's funny because usually the point when someone says, "I'm done" is like about half way through the argument or issue. They've just run out of things to say. Nothing is resolved. There's still that awkward, heavy conflict floating around above everyone's heads.
In fact, I feel like "I'm done" is just a continuation of the issue itself. You're trying to get the last word, you're stabbing the (person, issue, insert noun here) with a stick like, "Oh, I'm getting the last word. What are you going to say next? I'm done. There's nothing you can say after that. I win. Nana nana booboo." And it makes you seem like a (pardon my language) complete and total dick.

And what about online? Oh boy. Put up your hand if you've ever seen the "I'm done" status or tweet. Okay, how many of you put up your hands? This is the internet, you dummies, I can't see you.
So, I'm going to assume that a lot of you put those hands in the air. I do believe I've touched on this stuff in a previous post (The Boring Facebook Status Guide) because it's just that annoying. As much as I want to give absolutely no cares about your "I'm done" status, my natural curiosity gets the best of me, and I start speculating and checking your post to see if someone just gave in and straight up asked you.

And really, you sound like a dramatic l4 year old girl when you post a status like that. Possibly you are a dramatic 14 year old girl, and I can forgive you if that's the case. But there's a point where the vague, tortured teenager posts need to stop.
I'm not trying to be a Facebook Nazi, although it kind of seems like I have a heck of a lot of Facebook rules. I'm just trying to... Oh goodness, I'm a Facebook Nazi...

Anyways, my point here is that "I'm done" is kind of immature and dramatic. If you're actually "done" then that's the end. There's nothing left after that. When the pasta is done there's no more need to cook it. When the movie is done you roll up your leftover popcorn and go home. And that's all there is to it.

Done.

The F Word

The infamous F-word. F-U-See here now, wait a sec, this is a PG blog. For the purpose of keeping this as clean as possible we're going to replace the real King of the Swears with "fucoxanthin." (Fucoxanthin, for those who don't know, is some kind of pigment found in brown algae. It's literally the most boring thing on the planet. But it sounds like a really dirty word, so it works here.) Remember, for the duration of this post, "fucoxanthin" means the F-word.

Okay, so most have us have said fucoxanthin before. Whether it was because we were mad or surprised or just because it was the cool thing to do when we were 15 and now it's so hardwired in that we can't stop. Or, maybe you just like saying it. Whatever the reason, most of us have said it, whether we want to admit it or not.

Fucoxanthin is arguably the most versatile word in the English language. Look at all these uses:

1. As a noun: "For fucoxanthin's sake." "That little fucoxanthiner." Etc.
2. As a verb: "And then they fucoxanthined." - As a side note, this is my least favourite use of fucoxanthin.
3. Adverbs!: "He was fucoxanthining running from that crazy lady."
4. Pronoun: "That fucoxanthin stole all my bread."
5. Adjectives: "That was a terrible, fucoxanthining day." "Fucoxanthining Robert ate my grilled cheese."
6. Exclaimations: "Fucoxanthin yeah!"
7. To show absolute confusion or disgust: "What the fucoxanthin?"
8. As an insult: "Go fucoxanthin yourself."

And I'm sure there are many more. But the point is, fucoxanthin has all these uses. People have developed different meanings for it depending on the context.
This is the funny thing about fucoxanthin, isn't it? "Go fucoxanthin yourself" or "fucoxanthin you" are considered terrible insults, but when you tell your guy friends that you just "fucoxanthined that blonde chick from the cluuuuub" it's like the best thing ever and you get lots of high fives. (I assume. I'm not a guy, I don't know the standard protocol.) 

And why are there so many uses of it anyway? Well, my theory is that people just wanted more excuses to say it so they made it applicable in any situation.

It is a fun word to say, no denying that. What did Dane Cook say? "[Fucoxanthin] is the best word ever, because it's got the ffff and the uuhh and the KUH[oxanthin]!"

Nowadays, we hear fucoxanthin uttered ALL THE TIME. I think 34% of mothers report that their baby's first word is "fucoxanthin." (No, I didn't just make that statistic up.) (Yes I did.) So really, is it REALLY that bad of a word anymore. Is it REALLY something to be completely offended by? 

Yes, actually, I think it is. I am not a stranger to the word, that is for sure. Have you read my Twitter? But I do think that there's a time and place for it. (Twitter is that time and place because Twitter is for two kinds of people: People who do not care and Justin Bieber.)
Walking on the street or in the mall or some kind of public place, that is NOT the place for it. I guess arguably Twitter is public too and maybe we should watch our mouths (fingers?) on there too but really little kids shouldn't be on there and if you're that upset just don't read my tweets? Anyway, any time young children are around, the F word (fucoxanthin) is a no. 

I don't 100% understand the young children thing though, even though it makes me uncomfortable when people drop fucoxanthin bombs near little kiddies. What's the worst thing that will happen? The kid will repeat it? 

Well, who cares? It's a WORD. I know, words can kill or whatever. Is that a saying? Doesn't matter. What matters is what EXACTLY is it that this word represents that makes it socially unacceptable to say it? I know that language has tons of history and it's probably long and complex but I'd really like to know.

The thing about words is that none of them are actually anything, right? The word "sandwich" is not actually a sandwich, it just represents one in speech and on paper. But fucoxanthin, as we've already discovered, doesn't have just one meaning. People use it in new ways every day. There is no set definition. The only connotation we understand fucoxanthin to have is that it's bad. It's a bad word, and that's that. There is no other information that goes with it. It's just there to create a stir or make something more intense.

So what's in a word? Should we really condemn fucoxanthin as a bad word when really, there is nothing bad about it? I guess the same thing can be said of any word with negative concepts attached to it.

Am I even making sense anymore? Am I feeling bad for a WORD? A group of letters? An assortment of smooshed up sounds? I don't even know now. And so this seems like a good place to end. Here, while we're all still pondering the hard life of a word. The Sad Tale of Fucoxanthin.

A Look Inside "A Piece of Cake"

I want to start this post off with a disclaimer: REGARDLESS of the magical rule, "i" before "e" except after "c," I almost ALWAYS spell words like "piece" incorrectly. Hopefully spellcheck is on my side today and this doesn't become a problem. If I do mess up and you choose to point it out, I WILL (imagine myself) paying a hit man to have you "rubbed off," "popped," "whacked," etc. (Why are ALL Mafia slang words for killing also words for ... well... you know.)

Okay, that's over with. Now, it's time for us to examine the common idiom "a piece of cake."
DON'T YOU DARE EXIT THIS PAGE!
Yes, we are looking at "a piece of cake." Why are we doing this? We're doing this because I just spent approximately 10 minutes wondering what that really, truly, actually means (and 10 minutes is a long time in this sporadic head of mine.)

Yes, something that is, "a piece of cake" is something that is "easy." Simple. No problem. A walk in the park. Child's play. A no-brainer. Duck soup (Whaaat? I just googled "piece of cake synonyms." I have no idea what that one means.)

But why is a piece of cake "easy?"

Is it because cake is easy to eat? Well, yes, it is. But it's not the easiest thing to eat. A slice of pizza doesn't even require a fork unless you're a pompous lunatic so it is seemly a much "easier" food.

Plus cake is messy. Have you seen any kid's birthday pictures? So, cake is not easy clean up unless you lick the plate, fork, table AND kid clean.

And cake is certainly not the easiest thing to make for the baking-challenged (me.) And have you SEEN some of those super fancy, cool looking cakes before? Like, one's that look like television characters or whatever? Those are the BEST, right? But the average person will never make them because the average person isn't amazing (sorry to break it to you.)


Maybe it's that cake is a simple food. I don't think this is the case because cakes have layers (Shrek reference goes here somewhere.) They're complex. Chocolate layers, vanilla layers, custard layers, ice cream layers, icing, sprinkles. Cakes have a lot going on under the surface, you know what I mean? They're not an easy food to understand, you see?

And cakes don't symbolize easy things. They symbolize change. You buy someone a cake to celebrate something that is happening in their lives, something new. Change is not easy. Even good change creates stress and emotions. Cake is there to sooth the pain, that's the point of it, right? But change is not an easy thing to soothe. (Although seriously, if you're gonna sooth the pain of change with something, might as well do it with cake.)

The only thing that is easy about cakes is how easy it is to destroy them. Drop it, knock it over, shove someone's face into it. Is that what people mean? Are cakes "easy" because they're vulnerable?

 I feel as if I've been left with more questions than answers. If anyone can please help me to figure out the true meaning behind "a piece of cake" it would be greatly appreciated. Also, if anyone could send me some cake I would forget about the whole issue completely. If you send me a cake that looks like me, I will probably put you in my will in the future, okie dokie?

Internet Bandwagons, Scams and Bullying

I wrote a blog post a while ago regarding Invisible Children and Kony 2012 on one of my old Tumblr blogs (you can read it here if you'd like.) The point of the whole thing was my frustration with internet bandwagons. People support a cause because it's popular to support a cause, or people post whatever because that's what is popular right now. They don't think about it, they don't do any research, and often it's something they cared absolutely nothing about before.

Recently, a young girl committed suicide because she was being bullied over the internet. The video she posted on Youtube about a month ago was truly heartbreaking and gave everyone a lot to think about. Since then #RIPAmandaTodd has been trending on Twitter, and Facebook groups have been popping up everywhere to honour her memory.

Note: The rest of this post is in NO WAY meant to be disrespectful at all to anyone. It's only something I was thinking about.
Internet bullying has been around for a long time. We've all heard about it, some of us have taken part in it and some of us have been the victims. It's easy to bully people online. You don't have to look them in the eyes. You can think about everything you want to say or do beforehand. None of this is in real time. In fact, sometimes what goes on online doesn't even feel real. There's just enough disconnection from the bully and the victim that it's easy to avoid feeling guilty.
So I was thinking, why is it that only when stuff like this happens, when a girl posts a message on the internet before she kills herself, that we step up and say we need to end bullying?
There are countless stories like this. Kids being so bullied that they don't even want to be on earth anymore. And every time one of these stories ends up in the news, people say, "we need to do something about bullying." And this lasts for about a few weeks. Facebook groups pop up, people join them and then that's that. That's all you need to do to support something, right? Share it on Facebook and then go about your daily life.

And it's not just bullying. Let's look again at this whole Kony business. One of the crucial steps in the whole Kony 2012 plan was Cover The Night - basically running around and vandalizing stuff with Kony's name and picture. I don't believe I saw one Kony poster the day after Cover the Night, although I saw so many people on Facebook claim they would be "attending" the event. People just simply forgot about it. It was too far down the road from their initial viewing of the Kony 2012 video.

But that's the thing about the internet, isn't it? Everything is changing, all the time. There's too much information going in and coming out, you can't just concentrate on one thing, and you can't show support for everything. So we join groups, like statuses and retweet messages, hoping that that'll be enough. Someone else can do the hard stuff. Someone else can teach the anti-bullying classes and send money to the children of Uganda.

And I do this too. I'm not standing on any pedestal, wagging my finger at the world for not being better citizens. It's hard to be passionate about things these days.
Not only that, but it's hard to know what groups, or organizations or sad stories are for real. There are so many internet scams created everyday. People make up sad stories and attach an unsettling photo from Google so that they can have their photo shared thousands of times.

So when things like youth suicide happen, and when the entire world knows about it, it's hard to not join the "bandwagon" isn't it? You want to seem sensitive and so you like RIP Amanda Todd on Facebook and you retweet some stuff about her.
But then you actually read some of the things on the group's wall and there are people being disrespectful there. Saying that the people who bullied her should "go die."
And all I can think is, "did you all completely miss the point?" Why did you join a group remembering a girl who wants to stop bullying, if you're just going to be rude and disrespectful (a bully) while you're there? Just because the person you're bullying is a bully, doesn't mean that what you're doing is okay.

I'm not against supporting causes, or joining groups. I'm against the complete lack of thinking that you see on the internet every day. And it's not anyone's fault necessarily. Like I said, the information being thrown at us every day is astounding. Processing it all is more work than most people even realize and so I guess it's understandable that maybe you post things without thinking, or like groups without understanding what they're all about.

In closing, all of my blabbering about bandwagons and scams aside, I hope we never have to see another news story like this. I know, bullying is something that will probably never truly go away. But we can change things and hopefully this is truly the push we need to do it. Bullying awareness is something that I always remember being a part of education (did anyone else learn the warm fuzzies cold pricklies story?) but maybe it takes a story like this one to really make it sink in.

Pet Peeve of the Week: Loud Talkers

Courtesy of Parks and Recreation and some nice soul on Tumblr

I'm gonna keep this one short and sweet. I cannot deal with people who speak loudly when there's no need to. Shut up! Seriously. If I can hear you through walls, you're too loud. (In a perfect world, if I can hear you at all, this should be considered too loud, but let's be reasonable here.)

Things I want to do to people who talk really loud (either all together or separately):

• slam their head in a refrigerator door
• cram cotton candy down their throats until they can't talk anymore
• shove tiny needles under their nails (preferably AFTER the cotton candy has rendered them speechless.)
• run them over with six cars
• lock them in a walk in freezer for fourteen hours WITH a dead body

Okay, some of that stuff seems unnecessary but this drives me nuts. Any sounds, for that matter, drive me nuts. But microwaves and closing doors, those are sounds that can't really be helped. What can be helped is how loud you choose to speak in a regular situation.

When yelling is okay:

• when you're being eaten by a shark
• when I'm about to walk into a pole and you're trying to save me head injuries/embarrassment
• when the Isley Brothers tell you to shout while you are twisting
• when you're at a party and everyone else is (I guess)
• when you're in a completely solitary place and you need to let out some steam

Yep. Those are pretty much the only acceptable times.

Okay, I know some people don't realize they're doing it, but that doesn't stop me from disliking them.

Whew. Glad I got that off my chest. Quietly. On the internet. Which takes almost no sound at all.

The Dreaded Essay - A Student's Rant

Okay, today I got my first paper of the year back. I'm not going to say it was bad, because it wasn't, but the mark was quite a bit lower than my usual. So of course, I got super offended and decided to write a blog post about how terrible my professor is. Just kidding. That's not what this is about. This is just a few of the frustrating things about essays. I'm not badmouthing any profs or teachers I've had at all (especially if one of you happen to read this.) I'm just badmouthing whatever idiot invented the stupid essay.

So, first off, why do they have to be so long? What's the point in a 10 page essay? Didn't Einstein say that any fool can make something long and complex, only a genius can condense it and dumb it down? I may have just made that up. If I did, feel free to quote me on it (WITH a citation, please. You better not take credit for my work.) In other words, I feel like it's more difficult to condense the information and make a really good summary than it is to go on and on and on about the same thing. I don't know about everyone else, but when I'm writing an essay I feel like it's 20% good information, 50% me using a thesaurus to say the same thing in a bunch of different ways, and 20% complete BS (I'm not a math major. I don't know what the other 10% is. Me napping and choosing snacks, probably.)


Okay, and bibliographies! Ahh! I think I get more frustrated with citing my work than I do actually writing it. I'm all for people getting credit for their work, and plagiarism is bad and stuff. But there are so many rules! And every class is different. I've taken psych courses, English courses and history courses and each one calls for a different format. And we all come to university to find out that MLA, APA, Chicago, etc. formats aren't just for the bibliography. No, they're for the whole paper. Spacing, font, headers, footers, type of citation, title page or no title page. (Thanks for informing me of that nice little surprise, high school.) WHY DOES IT MATTER!? Really? I change the font and it makes it like one centimetre longer. Oh boy. Why can't we all just agree on one? I had a TA once who said it's because different disciplines are looking for different things and want to be able to find stuff faster. What do I have to say to that? I do not care, disciplines. I DO NOT care.

Okie dokie, so you hand it in and then you get it back. And (hopefully) you got a pretty decent mark. Why is it that even though you got an 80, which is pretty decent if you ask me, the comments your prof puts always make it sound kind of like you wrote the worst thing ever? (Or maybe that's just me because I am the absolute worst at taking criticism. If I ever tell you, "I want your true opinion, even if it's bad," I'm lying and I will probably hate you a bit if you tell me I need to fix something.)

When it comes down to it, the most frustrating thing about essays is that every prof is different. They all expect different things and give different types of criticism. You figure out how to please one and then your course is over and you're on to the next one, who hates everything that your other prof taught you. There's no winning. So, just power through and do your best. And that's the most inspirational thing I have to say today.

If you're a fellow student, good luck with midterms and assignments. If you're out of school, I can confidently say that all students (myself included) strongly dislike you, in like, the best way possible, at least until summertime.